Fasten your seatbelts because I'm gonna' be the douchebag today. All buckled in? I've got my helmet, Kevlar vest, and athletic cup on. Ok, here we go...
I live in Rochester, NY, which is home to the suburb of Greece which spawned the viral video sensation of Karen Klein the bus monitor and the four foul mouthed moppets "bullying" her. I thought the children were disgusting. But it was obviously a game amongst them of "can you top this" with the most shocking and disgusting insult to Karen. It was inexcusable, deplorable and those kids should be kicked off the bus permanently and made to deal with their angry parents who will have to take time out of work to cart their asses around. As a parent I know that would be the most effective punishment for my kids. Hell hath no fury like a parent who has to take time off of work for something that could be avoided.
(Working parents, tell me if you haven't asked the school nurse when they call you at work, "Is the temperature really that bad?" "Well you stopped the bleeding already didn't you?" Because you all know time off work is money or co-workers or boss bitching about "Madge is always shirking her responsibilities because of her constant sick kids" BS. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I digress.)
Here comes the douchebag part... How the hell does this warrant over $600,000 (last I checked) in reward to her for not doing her job?!!!!! Yes, yes those kids were awful but she's the adult! Isn't it a bus monitors job to keep order, not just ignore kids and sit in the seat and attempting to ignore them? It was reported that this wasn't the first time this happened and she had never reported any of the bad behavior, which according to my research is part of her job duties. Also, when I was a kid we couldn't even talk loud on the bus! If there was a group of us getting a little rowdy, the bus driver would stop the bus and split us up. Why the hell did this woman not tell them to stop talking and recording or she would report them? Why did she not send them to four different seats far apart and tell them to behave?
I'm not saying she asked for the money or is at fault for any of the money part, I'm saying it's kind of silly for people to donate to that cause. I'm sure she's very nice, but this whole thing got blown waaaaay out of proportion. As is everything that goes viral nowadays. Hell we make celebrities out of little kids on anesthesia! Give me a break.
I'm just saying, it takes two to Tango. I understand a kid being bullied, they don't have the maturity to defend themselves. But an adult? Ok, so she's "old". Last I checked 68 wasn't that old. I have sisters in their 60s that are still running 10K road races and I'm sure would kick my ass if I got out of line. And it's her God damn job to supposedly keep these kids in line or at the very least report them if they don't stay in line! Hike up your polyester pants Karen, and lay down the law!
And where was the bus driver?!!! I know he's busy driving the bus, but he could have pulled over the bus, I'm sure he heard the ruckus. Or she could have at least told him to pull over and told the little cretins that the bus wasn't moving again until they cut it out. They'd be pissed if she cut into their Xbox time!
I'm so tired of adults blaming the kids for the downfall of society. Be the damn adult! You have the control!
I've read everyday in the news here locally that they have had rallies and receptions like she's some kind of freakin' hero! I'm just kind of dumbfounded by the whole thing.
So if we follow that logic, could you all start a fund for me because I had my ex-husband verbally and physically abuse me? He was 6' tall and 220lbs of solid muscle, ex-hockey player (a defenseman goon to boot). At least I had an excuse, I couldn't undo his monster death grips on my arm. But I soon said enough and made him leave. I took responsibility. I understand some women get the crap beat out of them when they try to break it off, so it's easier to stay (in their mind). I was really lucky the physical stuff didn't get to that level. But I don't feel like anybody owes me squat.
I've had grown men in bars call me foul names because I rebuffed their advances. Like really nasty stuff that I can't repeat. If I didn't just leave, I'd tell the bouncer, that this guy was harrassing women and they'd escort him out. Nipped in the bud. Took control.
So yea, I'm a jerk. I just don't see where that unfortunate incident garners a trip to the community chest for this woman. It just goes to show you, America loves a good victim story. Why do you think there have been so many stories in the news lately of people getting busted for faking cancer to get a financial windfall or free wedding? Or why we hear of so many people getting scammed on the internet by those poor helpless millionaires in Nigeria that can't access their money? Because they know we are suckers. Which blows for the people that really are in need.
And I'll even take the douchebag one further... America loves a nice WHITE victim. Poor nice white lady gets harrassed... America to the rescue! Pretty suburban white girl goes missing... America to the rescue! Black or hispanic child goes missing... America is too busy to pay attention. Elderly non-white woman gets harrassed on the public bus everyday by young hoodlums... America could give a crap.
I know these are two separate issues, but seriously America, pay attention to the real injustices and let Karen Klein learn how to do her job figure out how to pay for her own damn vacation. Be the adult. Take control.
Let the hate mail begin...
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Even That Man vs. Wild Dude Wouldn't Take This Task On...
I am not really afraid of anything. Except for frogs and rejection. Don't ask me why but I've had a strange fear of frogs since I was little, I think it's the unpredictable jumping at you thing. And rejection, well that's why I suck at selling anything except myself. I was the worst commercial print salesperson ever, but I was a decent realtor.
Anyway... I mean, after raising 3 kids on my own, I usually accept any challenge without reservation. Maybe a little anxiety but really no fear. But I have one challenge coming up that I'm a little concerned about. Oh Christ, more than a little, a lot. I pride myself on being a one man band, chief cook and bottle washer, mostly because I'm a broke single Mom with a deadbeat ex-husband and can't afford any other solution. But for this... *gasp* I am considering a third party alternative.
The problem... I live in upstate NY, and my son is going to college in New York City next year, NYU to be exact. Now, I have absolutely no fear of the city, but this... this is different. I am going to have to drive into Manhattan with a carload of crap and probably a rooftop carrier since my 2 daughters want to go to see big brother off as well. NYU has you make reservations for check-in time. You have like a 15 minute block to drive up in front of the building and schlep your junk to the 22nd floor or whatever.
I've driven in Manhattan several times but it's so much easier to just park somewhere on the outskirts (NJ) and train it in. That saves on expensive parking garages and it's just faster. I can navigate the subway like a purse snatcher on the run! But this... oy, I mean I can't stop anywhere, I can't leave the car unattended with all the stuff in it. And I won't be able to see well to squeeze in a left turn or something. I'm getting hives...
I'm seriously considering, dare I say it.... taking the basics that will fit in the car and shipping the rest. *clutch the pearls* I know, I know. But I'm just getting tightness in my chest thinking about driving a loaded up vehicle like the Griswold's station wagon with the crap tied to the roof into Manhattan. Then after I unload, where the hell do I park? Sure, probably some $35/hour garage nearby. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I need a drink.
Maybe it's not fear, maybe it's just being smart and realizing the reallity of things. I guess if I were afraid, I wouldn't let my son go to NYC in the first place. God bless him for having no fear either. But he has his Mother's sense of adventure. Maybe it's just my common sense saying, "You've done this before, you know how the traffic is, make it easier on yourself." So maybe instead of being hard on myself for being anxious about it, I should give myself credit for trying to prevent a disaster.
I used to think the only good, honest, honorable way of accomplishing something was to tackle it head-on the hard way, wrestle it to the ground with my bare fists. But I guess I'm discovering sometimes the smartest and most sensible way to tackle something is to get help and create the least amount of stress for all involved.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
How I Was Almost a Stripper...
If you've been a regular reader of this blog (I thank you), you know by now I've been through some struggles. When I first got divorced 11 years ago, I had been a stay-at-home Mom for 5 years (however, did some p/t real estate marketing on the side), and had 3 children under the age of 7. I was granted child support but it wasn't enough to completely cover living expenses. "Just get a job!" was the answer by everyone.
Well sure, if I had held a job previously as a doctor, lawyer, engineer, executive, or high end call girl, I could have "just gotten a job" again and made enough money to live comfortably and cover day care. However when one has put their career on the back burner to raise children, pretty much the only people that want to hire you are those that need a receptionist for $8-$9/hr, which doesn't even cover child care for 3 kids. And I went to college for broadcasting, they pay about the same as the receptionist job.
So what's a girl to do? Hey, I wanted to work and pull my weight, but I also wanted adequate care for my children and to be available should they be sick. For a few years I had trouble making it work, then I thought I had it figured out being a realtor (working partly from home) for a while, but just as I really hit my stride, the real estate bust happened in Denver. Then years later I moved back here to NY, kids were now in school so I could concentrate on cultivating a career, but the ex disappeared and so did my child support. I was flat broke. I often heard the phrase, "you could always strip".
Some were joking... some were not.
We all fantasize about how to solve our money problems - winning the lottery, robbing a bank, selling drugs, waiting for old relatives to die (I didn't, but come on, you know someone has), and hooking. Seriously, who hasn't entertained themselves internally by thinking "What if?". But like most of us with a shred of conscience, we decide we cannot. If you have kids, sometimes you think you would do just about anything to feed them. I was almost homeless, been that desperate. But it comes down to your... decision. Me, I just could never look my kids in the eye again if I stripped.
I can't label it values, morals, or conscience. I can't judge. I certainly think there are decisions that aren't in yours or the kids best interest in the long run. But sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures. The survival instinct sometimes brings out rash decisions.
Instead of hooking or stripping, here's what I did... I cleaned friend's toilets for gas money. I swept and hosed down their porches for food money. I helped friends who had businesses, doing menial tasks in order to buy toilet paper. My friends on Myspace actually had a small fund raiser for me. I can't tell you how much that helped. I am eternally grateful. I sucked it up and went down to the Department of Social Services and applied for food stamps, heat, and medical assistance. Actually going to DSS to me was more humiliating than cleaning toilets, but I did what I had to do, all until I found a steady job. Or in my case, 3 part-time jobs that equaled 50 hours a week.
I don't claim to be self-righteous. Oh God, not by any means. When my kids weren't around I downed a few gin and tonics and cried myself to sleep. You just do what you have to do. Just stay away from illegal stuff, and keep your adult "acting out" away from the kids. But please keep in mind, there are lots of options before you turn to desperate measures. There are plenty of private agencies to help, as well as the gov't. There's always someone who needs a toilet cleaned. The aid is there, we've paid our taxes and contributed, that's what it's there for. Don't be afraid to ask for help, it's the most courageous thing you can do for you and your children.
Well sure, if I had held a job previously as a doctor, lawyer, engineer, executive, or high end call girl, I could have "just gotten a job" again and made enough money to live comfortably and cover day care. However when one has put their career on the back burner to raise children, pretty much the only people that want to hire you are those that need a receptionist for $8-$9/hr, which doesn't even cover child care for 3 kids. And I went to college for broadcasting, they pay about the same as the receptionist job.
So what's a girl to do? Hey, I wanted to work and pull my weight, but I also wanted adequate care for my children and to be available should they be sick. For a few years I had trouble making it work, then I thought I had it figured out being a realtor (working partly from home) for a while, but just as I really hit my stride, the real estate bust happened in Denver. Then years later I moved back here to NY, kids were now in school so I could concentrate on cultivating a career, but the ex disappeared and so did my child support. I was flat broke. I often heard the phrase, "you could always strip".
Some were joking... some were not.
There were times, very very desperate times, (and a few years ago and 20 lbs less) I thought about it. For a fleeting moment, I crafted in my head, how I could go to another town nearby where I could perform on stage as "Chrystal Courvousier" (stripper name + booze = more tips) and wouldn't get recognized by anyone and my kids wouldn't find out. Just make enough to get a little ahead, and BOOM! Problem solved.
We all fantasize about how to solve our money problems - winning the lottery, robbing a bank, selling drugs, waiting for old relatives to die (I didn't, but come on, you know someone has), and hooking. Seriously, who hasn't entertained themselves internally by thinking "What if?". But like most of us with a shred of conscience, we decide we cannot. If you have kids, sometimes you think you would do just about anything to feed them. I was almost homeless, been that desperate. But it comes down to your... decision. Me, I just could never look my kids in the eye again if I stripped.
I can't label it values, morals, or conscience. I can't judge. I certainly think there are decisions that aren't in yours or the kids best interest in the long run. But sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures. The survival instinct sometimes brings out rash decisions.
Instead of hooking or stripping, here's what I did... I cleaned friend's toilets for gas money. I swept and hosed down their porches for food money. I helped friends who had businesses, doing menial tasks in order to buy toilet paper. My friends on Myspace actually had a small fund raiser for me. I can't tell you how much that helped. I am eternally grateful. I sucked it up and went down to the Department of Social Services and applied for food stamps, heat, and medical assistance. Actually going to DSS to me was more humiliating than cleaning toilets, but I did what I had to do, all until I found a steady job. Or in my case, 3 part-time jobs that equaled 50 hours a week.
I don't claim to be self-righteous. Oh God, not by any means. When my kids weren't around I downed a few gin and tonics and cried myself to sleep. You just do what you have to do. Just stay away from illegal stuff, and keep your adult "acting out" away from the kids. But please keep in mind, there are lots of options before you turn to desperate measures. There are plenty of private agencies to help, as well as the gov't. There's always someone who needs a toilet cleaned. The aid is there, we've paid our taxes and contributed, that's what it's there for. Don't be afraid to ask for help, it's the most courageous thing you can do for you and your children.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
If You Don't Go to the Dance with Me, I'll Shoot You in the Face
Seriously, this is what it has come to. I'm afraid for my kids sometimes that, (due to several incidences in the last 15 years), what if they look at a kid sideways, reject an invite to a dance, or laughs on 1st impulse when somebody trips, that that kid is going to go postal or stalk and beat a kid to death. Unfortunately, it's our new reality.
All right, since no one else is going to say it, I'll say it...
How the hell do you not know that your kid is on the verge of going mental and planning to shoot up his school? I say "his" because a girl has yet to go into a school with guns blazing, but ya' know, give it time I'm sure. So for the sake of saving pronouns, I'll just refer to the child as a boy. Ladies, don't feel left out...
I understand there are one or two kids that somebody did see the signs, they were taken to psychologists, undergoing treatment, yada, yada, and it still happened. I guess there is the rare case where a kid is just psychotic and when they snap, they snap. But I'm thinking, still, wouldn't he be under closer wraps, maybe taken out of the public school and put in a safer environment?
Ok, psycho kids not withstanding... who the hell doesn't see this stuff coming? This kid in Ohio a couple of days ago, everyone said, "oh he was just a quiet average kid". The kid freakin' posted on Facebook he was gonna' shoot sh*t up! How much more warning do you need? Ok sure, kids talk a lot of crap. They exaggerate. But even if my kid were kidding about stuff like that, I'd be concerned and have a talk.
With several of these kids (what a shame I can use the word several in this sentence) involved in these school shootings, their background is... kinda' sad. To me, anyway. They often live with Grandparents, or Aunts or Uncles or whoever. Many times not the parents. These kids are disposable kids to begin with. And I take it said guardian isn't paying that much attention. Those are really sad cases. What do you do? If Mom and Dad aren't deceased, then they should be taking care of their own damn kids! Yea, I know, my kid's Father abandoned them a couple years ago, to me it's a crime worse than any except murder. There oughta' be a law. People need to stop walking away from kids, or don't have them to begin with! Step the hell up!
Ok, then you have the kids that did live with the parents like the Kleebold and Harris boys responsible for Columbine. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! These two had arsenals in their homes and bomb factories in their garages and no one noticed? What kind of irresponsible parent are you?! They should be held responsible. I'm sorry, it's not that hard to keep tabs on your kids. I'm just flabbergasted on that one.
I'm not a perfect parent. But none of my kids has even ever had detention in their lives and I have 3 teenagers, one's about to graduate! . (knock wood, let's keep the streak going!) But for the love of all that's holy, pay attention to your own God damn kid! Listen to them, talk to them, observe their moods, look at their Facebook and Twitter pages. You don't even have to be invasive by looking into their phone, just freakin' look at them! I just... kids are my passion. They shouldn't be troubled, they should feel loved. Let's start loving them, paying attention to them, teaching them how to cope in the real world. When things don't go your way, marching into a place and shooting it up is not the answer. Pay attention parents, that's an order.
All right, since no one else is going to say it, I'll say it...
How the hell do you not know that your kid is on the verge of going mental and planning to shoot up his school? I say "his" because a girl has yet to go into a school with guns blazing, but ya' know, give it time I'm sure. So for the sake of saving pronouns, I'll just refer to the child as a boy. Ladies, don't feel left out...
I understand there are one or two kids that somebody did see the signs, they were taken to psychologists, undergoing treatment, yada, yada, and it still happened. I guess there is the rare case where a kid is just psychotic and when they snap, they snap. But I'm thinking, still, wouldn't he be under closer wraps, maybe taken out of the public school and put in a safer environment?
Ok, psycho kids not withstanding... who the hell doesn't see this stuff coming? This kid in Ohio a couple of days ago, everyone said, "oh he was just a quiet average kid". The kid freakin' posted on Facebook he was gonna' shoot sh*t up! How much more warning do you need? Ok sure, kids talk a lot of crap. They exaggerate. But even if my kid were kidding about stuff like that, I'd be concerned and have a talk.
With several of these kids (what a shame I can use the word several in this sentence) involved in these school shootings, their background is... kinda' sad. To me, anyway. They often live with Grandparents, or Aunts or Uncles or whoever. Many times not the parents. These kids are disposable kids to begin with. And I take it said guardian isn't paying that much attention. Those are really sad cases. What do you do? If Mom and Dad aren't deceased, then they should be taking care of their own damn kids! Yea, I know, my kid's Father abandoned them a couple years ago, to me it's a crime worse than any except murder. There oughta' be a law. People need to stop walking away from kids, or don't have them to begin with! Step the hell up!
Ok, then you have the kids that did live with the parents like the Kleebold and Harris boys responsible for Columbine. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! These two had arsenals in their homes and bomb factories in their garages and no one noticed? What kind of irresponsible parent are you?! They should be held responsible. I'm sorry, it's not that hard to keep tabs on your kids. I'm just flabbergasted on that one.
I'm not a perfect parent. But none of my kids has even ever had detention in their lives and I have 3 teenagers, one's about to graduate! . (knock wood, let's keep the streak going!) But for the love of all that's holy, pay attention to your own God damn kid! Listen to them, talk to them, observe their moods, look at their Facebook and Twitter pages. You don't even have to be invasive by looking into their phone, just freakin' look at them! I just... kids are my passion. They shouldn't be troubled, they should feel loved. Let's start loving them, paying attention to them, teaching them how to cope in the real world. When things don't go your way, marching into a place and shooting it up is not the answer. Pay attention parents, that's an order.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Upside: Homeless Shelters are a Great Way to Make New Friends!
In today's chapter of Madge's Adult Survival Guide, we shall discuss...shelter.
I would say about... oh 75% of us have had trying times with our living situation at one point. No, not about needing a 3 car garage instead of a 2, or adding a home theater. (bastards) I'm talking about things like...
- Divorce. Someone's gotta' move... where do you go?
- Job loss or other various money issues. Can't afford the house or rent anymore. Where do you go?
- Dangerous living conditions. Abuse, bad neighborhood, crazy landlord, whatever. You know the question...
Sometimes it may just be a case of geography, "This place ain't workin', I need to go". That was my case living in Denver. I had moved there in 2000 when I was married for his job, then we got divorced and he eventually moved back East. I was there by myself, no family, some friends, but it just didn't really feel like home, and not to mention it was too damn expensive by myself! So in 2006, back East I went...
Was that a step backward? A step foreward? Sideways? What? People often asked me why I moved to Rochester from Denver like I was some sort of intellectually challenged cretin. After a while I thought, "Hey bite me, I happen to like New York State!" Ya' got a problem with that?
I heard a friend mention taking a step backward in moving her kids and that prompted me to write this. Most all of us have had a time in our life where we need to regroup. For those of you that haven't and are still living in the same big house for 20 years... I hate you. Nah, you're incredibly lucky. Good for you. *grumble grumble* For the rest of us, we've had to make tough decisions.
As I said, for the reasons above, some of us had to decide, (or had it thrust upon us) whether to move into an apartment or move home to our parents or friends or shelters or change locales. It happened to me, I got evicted from a house I was renting a few years ago here in Rochester. My ex-husband suddenly disappeared and stopped paying support, and my income was cut in half. I coudn't afford the house, I met with landlords and told them the circumstances, asked to maybe find a new renter, etc. No, they decided they wanted to evict me and get all the money out of it they could. Really really unkind folks, especially since I was trying to negotiate from the hospital as I thought I was having a heart attack. They would rather put a single mom and 3 kids out on the street, because you know nothing personal, it's just business. (I highly suggest caution about doing business with folks under the company name Bamberger in the Monroe/Wayne/Ontario Counties around here.) Anyway, decisions had to be made, and I believe in karma...
Various family members wanted me to move in with them. I love love love them for the offer. But that meant yet another move to another state. With kids in jr and sr high, I just wasn't going to uproot them again. I just knew in my heart it would not be good in the long run. So I borrowed money for a security deposit (since the eviction cost me several thousand dollars that I didn't have) and moved into a townhouse style apartment. Living in an apartment complex blows after I've lived in some nice houses with yards. But what am I gonna' do? I did what I had to do. Biggest casualty... my pride. I used to love to entertain in my house, now I don't want people to know where I live. We used to be the hangout house for kids, now I'm embarrased to have kids over. Oh well.
So, that's the dilemma... is it a step down? Yea, going from a house to an apartment is probably looked upon as a downgrade more than an upgrade. It sucks. I sure didn't feel like singing The Jeffersons theme "Well, we're movin' on up!" I live around some less desirables than I'd like. There are two bedrooms for four people, my son doesn't even have his own room. The place is small, the kitchen is 5x5, and so is the one bathroom for Me and 3 kids. I don't have a garage. I can't paint or redecorate or plant things. The kids don't like the trashy people that roam the parking lot or hearing the neighbors through the walls. But... I can afford it. And we stayed in the school district, and because of it my son will be going to one of the best colleges in the country next year. I'd like to think I won't be their forever either. I have plans, hopes, dreams. That's all I can do.
You just have to do what you can do. What's best for you and your children, spouse, parents, whatever the case may be. The most important thing is to really think it through and put your pride aside. Sometimes you may have to think of the short term, other times think it through to the long term. Make a list of options, pros and cons. And for the love of God, DO NOT move into someone your dating's place if you have kids, just because it's convenient! Eh, maybe if it's for a week, while you're in transition from one place to another or something, but Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, don't make relationship decisions based on saving on your cable bill! Seriously, please, just say no. Think it through. You may not have the best home, but you can take pride in knowing you are doing the best thing possible for you and your family (if that applies).
I would say about... oh 75% of us have had trying times with our living situation at one point. No, not about needing a 3 car garage instead of a 2, or adding a home theater. (bastards) I'm talking about things like...
- Divorce. Someone's gotta' move... where do you go?
- Job loss or other various money issues. Can't afford the house or rent anymore. Where do you go?
- Dangerous living conditions. Abuse, bad neighborhood, crazy landlord, whatever. You know the question...
Sometimes it may just be a case of geography, "This place ain't workin', I need to go". That was my case living in Denver. I had moved there in 2000 when I was married for his job, then we got divorced and he eventually moved back East. I was there by myself, no family, some friends, but it just didn't really feel like home, and not to mention it was too damn expensive by myself! So in 2006, back East I went...
Was that a step backward? A step foreward? Sideways? What? People often asked me why I moved to Rochester from Denver like I was some sort of intellectually challenged cretin. After a while I thought, "Hey bite me, I happen to like New York State!" Ya' got a problem with that?
I heard a friend mention taking a step backward in moving her kids and that prompted me to write this. Most all of us have had a time in our life where we need to regroup. For those of you that haven't and are still living in the same big house for 20 years... I hate you. Nah, you're incredibly lucky. Good for you. *grumble grumble* For the rest of us, we've had to make tough decisions.
As I said, for the reasons above, some of us had to decide, (or had it thrust upon us) whether to move into an apartment or move home to our parents or friends or shelters or change locales. It happened to me, I got evicted from a house I was renting a few years ago here in Rochester. My ex-husband suddenly disappeared and stopped paying support, and my income was cut in half. I coudn't afford the house, I met with landlords and told them the circumstances, asked to maybe find a new renter, etc. No, they decided they wanted to evict me and get all the money out of it they could. Really really unkind folks, especially since I was trying to negotiate from the hospital as I thought I was having a heart attack. They would rather put a single mom and 3 kids out on the street, because you know nothing personal, it's just business. (I highly suggest caution about doing business with folks under the company name Bamberger in the Monroe/Wayne/Ontario Counties around here.) Anyway, decisions had to be made, and I believe in karma...
Various family members wanted me to move in with them. I love love love them for the offer. But that meant yet another move to another state. With kids in jr and sr high, I just wasn't going to uproot them again. I just knew in my heart it would not be good in the long run. So I borrowed money for a security deposit (since the eviction cost me several thousand dollars that I didn't have) and moved into a townhouse style apartment. Living in an apartment complex blows after I've lived in some nice houses with yards. But what am I gonna' do? I did what I had to do. Biggest casualty... my pride. I used to love to entertain in my house, now I don't want people to know where I live. We used to be the hangout house for kids, now I'm embarrased to have kids over. Oh well.
So, that's the dilemma... is it a step down? Yea, going from a house to an apartment is probably looked upon as a downgrade more than an upgrade. It sucks. I sure didn't feel like singing The Jeffersons theme "Well, we're movin' on up!" I live around some less desirables than I'd like. There are two bedrooms for four people, my son doesn't even have his own room. The place is small, the kitchen is 5x5, and so is the one bathroom for Me and 3 kids. I don't have a garage. I can't paint or redecorate or plant things. The kids don't like the trashy people that roam the parking lot or hearing the neighbors through the walls. But... I can afford it. And we stayed in the school district, and because of it my son will be going to one of the best colleges in the country next year. I'd like to think I won't be their forever either. I have plans, hopes, dreams. That's all I can do.
You just have to do what you can do. What's best for you and your children, spouse, parents, whatever the case may be. The most important thing is to really think it through and put your pride aside. Sometimes you may have to think of the short term, other times think it through to the long term. Make a list of options, pros and cons. And for the love of God, DO NOT move into someone your dating's place if you have kids, just because it's convenient! Eh, maybe if it's for a week, while you're in transition from one place to another or something, but Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, don't make relationship decisions based on saving on your cable bill! Seriously, please, just say no. Think it through. You may not have the best home, but you can take pride in knowing you are doing the best thing possible for you and your family (if that applies).
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Six (or so) Easy Steps to Taming Your Feral Child
In doing some research for my blog and it's new direction, I came across a whole bunch of blogs written by Moms. However, most blogs are written by happy stay-at-hom moms with small children and talk about crafts and their latest trip to Disney and poopy diapers. That ain't me. I'm past that phase. I'm worrying about my kids applying to colleges and staying away from kids who steal their parent's liquor at the moment.
Oh, I know how that world is, I was there once, sans the Disney trips. You think you're the first one to ever have cute little kids and enjoy being a happy family, and you think we are all eager to hear about your kids... endlessly. Oh, no offense to those moms, I've just been there, you want to share your joy. But I just wanted to say that sometimes in reading about all the cutsie wootsie stories you tell of all the adorable things that little McKenzie did... I think, I would have booted the kid across the room.
And then the mommies even make jokes about being at their wits end with said adorable child. Oh honey, I feel like that everyday, but it's not from having annoying kids it's from having busy kids. Oh my children aren't perfect, I just figured out how to nip bad behavior in the bud. I'll still get cranky kid attitude steered my way once in a while, but I don't get disrespect. Want to know how?
Well, buy my book!
No, just kidding. That's how the pitch usually goes... brings you right to the brink, and then chops you off at the knees, just like a girl in a short skirt.
Well, I'll tell you how, because I'm nice like that. (donations accepted, though) Parents... stay in control. Ain't no child ever paid attention to or respected a screaming, cussing parent. Did you when you were a kid? When my Mother went off, I just thought she was crazy, and as I got older... embarrassing. But when she just stopped and looked me in the eye, oh I had the fear of God in me. Oh and the worst was when she was just quiet and told me I had dissappointed her. OH! Stab stab stab in the heart!
Easy Steps for when your child talks back or has a tantrum:
1. Physically get down to eye to eye level with them.
2. Talk to them calmly, yet firmly, maintain direct eye contact. (you can't sound like Mr. Rogers, you must be firm) If they look away, say "you need to look at me".
3. State with authority that that behavior is not acceptable and we do not do that in this house.
4. Ask them if they heard you and to repeat it.
5. Tell them when they can act in a civil manner, you will discuss it or continue whatever.
6. Stand up and continue what you were doing. (unless there's blood to clean up or something)
If a problem is more involved you may need to discuss it with them. For instance, "Would you like it if I threw a Matchbox Car at you?" Or "Why would you deliberately take the paints out after I told you no?". Sometimes "No, because I said so" isn't the best answer. Kids need to learn logic and reason. Explain to them "We don't have enough time to paint, becuase we are having guests for dinner and I need the table".
Adults, do you feel better after someone explains why they said no, rather than just saying no? I rest my case. "Can I have a raise?" "No." My first thought is "I suck". But after they tell me they lost money in the 4th Q and just can't, then I accept it.
I won't lie, it takes a great deal of patience on the parent's part. Oh and , some kids may still flip out, it's not a cure all. But if you remain calm and CONSISTENT, I can almost guarantee you'll see the behavior improve over time. It needs to start as soon as they start talking though. Just laughing off that behavior because they are "little" only creates monsters. (Have we not all learned anything from Toddlers and Tiaras?) It's never too early to start expecting respectable behavior from a child. Most important thing is, don't stoop to their level! Yea, I know we all have our limits, but even if you do have a flip out, apologize to the child and use it as a lesson that we all get stressed out, you know how the child feels. Keep the faith and have a cocktail after they go to bed.
Oh, I know how that world is, I was there once, sans the Disney trips. You think you're the first one to ever have cute little kids and enjoy being a happy family, and you think we are all eager to hear about your kids... endlessly. Oh, no offense to those moms, I've just been there, you want to share your joy. But I just wanted to say that sometimes in reading about all the cutsie wootsie stories you tell of all the adorable things that little McKenzie did... I think, I would have booted the kid across the room.
And then the mommies even make jokes about being at their wits end with said adorable child. Oh honey, I feel like that everyday, but it's not from having annoying kids it's from having busy kids. Oh my children aren't perfect, I just figured out how to nip bad behavior in the bud. I'll still get cranky kid attitude steered my way once in a while, but I don't get disrespect. Want to know how?
Well, buy my book!
No, just kidding. That's how the pitch usually goes... brings you right to the brink, and then chops you off at the knees, just like a girl in a short skirt.
Well, I'll tell you how, because I'm nice like that. (donations accepted, though) Parents... stay in control. Ain't no child ever paid attention to or respected a screaming, cussing parent. Did you when you were a kid? When my Mother went off, I just thought she was crazy, and as I got older... embarrassing. But when she just stopped and looked me in the eye, oh I had the fear of God in me. Oh and the worst was when she was just quiet and told me I had dissappointed her. OH! Stab stab stab in the heart!
Easy Steps for when your child talks back or has a tantrum:
1. Physically get down to eye to eye level with them.
2. Talk to them calmly, yet firmly, maintain direct eye contact. (you can't sound like Mr. Rogers, you must be firm) If they look away, say "you need to look at me".
3. State with authority that that behavior is not acceptable and we do not do that in this house.
4. Ask them if they heard you and to repeat it.
5. Tell them when they can act in a civil manner, you will discuss it or continue whatever.
6. Stand up and continue what you were doing. (unless there's blood to clean up or something)
If a problem is more involved you may need to discuss it with them. For instance, "Would you like it if I threw a Matchbox Car at you?" Or "Why would you deliberately take the paints out after I told you no?". Sometimes "No, because I said so" isn't the best answer. Kids need to learn logic and reason. Explain to them "We don't have enough time to paint, becuase we are having guests for dinner and I need the table".
Adults, do you feel better after someone explains why they said no, rather than just saying no? I rest my case. "Can I have a raise?" "No." My first thought is "I suck". But after they tell me they lost money in the 4th Q and just can't, then I accept it.
I won't lie, it takes a great deal of patience on the parent's part. Oh and , some kids may still flip out, it's not a cure all. But if you remain calm and CONSISTENT, I can almost guarantee you'll see the behavior improve over time. It needs to start as soon as they start talking though. Just laughing off that behavior because they are "little" only creates monsters. (Have we not all learned anything from Toddlers and Tiaras?) It's never too early to start expecting respectable behavior from a child. Most important thing is, don't stoop to their level! Yea, I know we all have our limits, but even if you do have a flip out, apologize to the child and use it as a lesson that we all get stressed out, you know how the child feels. Keep the faith and have a cocktail after they go to bed.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Let the New Blog and Life Begin...
So, I'm on a mission. I think I've figured this out. The last couple of years I have been floundering with this blog. Wondering how to still be funny but with less raunch, more purpose. I have been trying to decide which direction to take, what focus I'd like to have. In essence I've been wanting to re-brand myself.
My Myspace blog years ago, to which I had a rather large following, (over 800 followers) was focused mostly on my dating and parenting life post divorce. That was pretty easy since I hadn't been in a relationship for years. But really, how long can you write about that? It gets old after a while. Besides, my kids are teens now, I don't want them reading my dating exploits, and I'm sure it would be a major creep factor for them.
Think, think, think. What else do I know about? Well, it kind of hit me today... I know about survival. For those of you who know me, know that I have had quite a struggle over the past eleven years, well ok 20 years. For those of you who don't, here's a not entirely brief synopsis:
I thought I married a really nice, well educated, successful engineer and ex Div. I hockey player. But in 2000, I got out of a marriage to an eventual verbally abusive, alcoholic man, who had an affair on me while I was pregnant with our third child. Well back up a little, after a job transfer moved us from NY to Denver in 2000, where I didn't know a soul and had three children ages 6, 3, and 14 months. we divorced and he quickly moves in with the girl he had an affair with. He buys them a home and starts spending all his money on them. I'm stuck to find whatever rental I can afford. I had to keep finding jobs where I could take care of my children 90% of the time because he always traveled with his job. I had been a stay at home mom for 5 years, I could only get crap jobs, I was in radio and TV before that. I kept having to quit before I got fired because I'd have childcare problems. In 2004 he moved back East, leaving me in Denver to raise them alone, making monthly visits, which towards the end were cut short with kids calling me crying.
I was a realtor at the time and the bust hit Denver in 2006. I could no longer afford to live there and I was losing my mind raising the children alone. So I moved back to Rochester at the end of 2006 with the promise from my ex that there would be all kinds of help from him and his parents. I started over, trying to find jobs, etc. Things were looking up after about a year, I decided to go back to school while working a decent job, then my ex went off the deep end. He sunk deep into his alcoholism and disappeared, skipped town, stopped paying support, stopped talking to the kids and me. The children were devastated. He did have his moments of being a good Dad, and they missed that.
That was over 2 years ago. I had to quit a job because it was a half hour drive and couldn't be that far from my kids with no other help, and they weren't happy with me because I was a mess. I was having a nervous breakdown. First I lost half my income with losing child support, then I was jobless, I was left with a pile of extra bills he was supposed to be paying (braces, sports, etc.) got evicted, had to apply for foodstamps, medicaid, free lunch at school, and clean friend's toilets to get gas money. There was even a point where I had absolutely no income before I got approved for aid, that was a complete nightmare. But I did lose 20 lbs from not being able to afford food! Hollah! (Important Tip: always look for silver lining)
Blah, blah, blah, there were many years before that of having to rescue my kids from torturous behavior by their Dad that I won't even go into. Eventually I collected myself, got a few part-time jobs, then after a couple years re-directed myself into resuming my marketing career, and worked my way up to finding a full-time contract job (no benefits). My kids are thriving, they are all A students, and active in sports and music/theater. My oldest is a senior and has applied to some of the best colleges in the country. I got financial aid all by myself for my kids to go to 2 of the best schools in the area, because they had the grades and drive to go. And amazingly we've talked our way through this and stuck together and have all remained well grounded. Nobody has started acting out, not even me. Ok, well I couldn't have gotten through this without cocktails now and then, but I'm an adult, I'm allowed. And most importantly friends and family, couldn't have made it through without them either. Oh and one other thing, I didn't seek out a man to save me. Although, a few years and pounds ago, that stripper pole was looking like it could be a way to eat.
So, why the long story? (what's sad is that I left a whole bunch of stuff out, oy) To give you background on what I know. How to survive. My blog will be about how to survive adulthood. I will touch on all the adult subjects: financial, emotional, parenting, dating/relationships, jobs. I don't have all the answers, but I can share my experiences and tips for making it through some tough spots, all with a little laughter. Because really humor makes it all bearable. At the very least, let my life and this blog serve as an example of what mistakes not to make. :) Happy Holidays!
My Myspace blog years ago, to which I had a rather large following, (over 800 followers) was focused mostly on my dating and parenting life post divorce. That was pretty easy since I hadn't been in a relationship for years. But really, how long can you write about that? It gets old after a while. Besides, my kids are teens now, I don't want them reading my dating exploits, and I'm sure it would be a major creep factor for them.
Think, think, think. What else do I know about? Well, it kind of hit me today... I know about survival. For those of you who know me, know that I have had quite a struggle over the past eleven years, well ok 20 years. For those of you who don't, here's a not entirely brief synopsis:
I thought I married a really nice, well educated, successful engineer and ex Div. I hockey player. But in 2000, I got out of a marriage to an eventual verbally abusive, alcoholic man, who had an affair on me while I was pregnant with our third child. Well back up a little, after a job transfer moved us from NY to Denver in 2000, where I didn't know a soul and had three children ages 6, 3, and 14 months. we divorced and he quickly moves in with the girl he had an affair with. He buys them a home and starts spending all his money on them. I'm stuck to find whatever rental I can afford. I had to keep finding jobs where I could take care of my children 90% of the time because he always traveled with his job. I had been a stay at home mom for 5 years, I could only get crap jobs, I was in radio and TV before that. I kept having to quit before I got fired because I'd have childcare problems. In 2004 he moved back East, leaving me in Denver to raise them alone, making monthly visits, which towards the end were cut short with kids calling me crying.
I was a realtor at the time and the bust hit Denver in 2006. I could no longer afford to live there and I was losing my mind raising the children alone. So I moved back to Rochester at the end of 2006 with the promise from my ex that there would be all kinds of help from him and his parents. I started over, trying to find jobs, etc. Things were looking up after about a year, I decided to go back to school while working a decent job, then my ex went off the deep end. He sunk deep into his alcoholism and disappeared, skipped town, stopped paying support, stopped talking to the kids and me. The children were devastated. He did have his moments of being a good Dad, and they missed that.
That was over 2 years ago. I had to quit a job because it was a half hour drive and couldn't be that far from my kids with no other help, and they weren't happy with me because I was a mess. I was having a nervous breakdown. First I lost half my income with losing child support, then I was jobless, I was left with a pile of extra bills he was supposed to be paying (braces, sports, etc.) got evicted, had to apply for foodstamps, medicaid, free lunch at school, and clean friend's toilets to get gas money. There was even a point where I had absolutely no income before I got approved for aid, that was a complete nightmare. But I did lose 20 lbs from not being able to afford food! Hollah! (Important Tip: always look for silver lining)
Blah, blah, blah, there were many years before that of having to rescue my kids from torturous behavior by their Dad that I won't even go into. Eventually I collected myself, got a few part-time jobs, then after a couple years re-directed myself into resuming my marketing career, and worked my way up to finding a full-time contract job (no benefits). My kids are thriving, they are all A students, and active in sports and music/theater. My oldest is a senior and has applied to some of the best colleges in the country. I got financial aid all by myself for my kids to go to 2 of the best schools in the area, because they had the grades and drive to go. And amazingly we've talked our way through this and stuck together and have all remained well grounded. Nobody has started acting out, not even me. Ok, well I couldn't have gotten through this without cocktails now and then, but I'm an adult, I'm allowed. And most importantly friends and family, couldn't have made it through without them either. Oh and one other thing, I didn't seek out a man to save me. Although, a few years and pounds ago, that stripper pole was looking like it could be a way to eat.
So, why the long story? (what's sad is that I left a whole bunch of stuff out, oy) To give you background on what I know. How to survive. My blog will be about how to survive adulthood. I will touch on all the adult subjects: financial, emotional, parenting, dating/relationships, jobs. I don't have all the answers, but I can share my experiences and tips for making it through some tough spots, all with a little laughter. Because really humor makes it all bearable. At the very least, let my life and this blog serve as an example of what mistakes not to make. :) Happy Holidays!
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