Sunday, August 28, 2011

Desperately Seeking Inspiration...

I was in Target with my kids today fetching various items.  The place was crawling with college students picking up supplies for their tiny, bland dorm rooms, or tiny sh*thole apartments.  (Remember how excited we were back in those days to buy our first dish rack or hamper?  Oy, now I want to dump all that stuff on the curb and live in a hotel and have people clean up after me all day.)

We are standing there and a very prissy, snooty girl and an obviously flaming gay kid (not that there's anything wrong with that, but he made Kurt from Glee look butch) are discussing the need to cut back on Starbucks this semester.  I mimicked the girl's faux Valley Girl accent, and my son made some other desparaging remark, then proclaimed, "I love being a cynical a-hole".  I said, "You get it from your Mother" and gave him a high five. 

But honestly, in the past 2 years I've come to love my cynical asshole side less.  Don't get me wrong, I still love me some good derision, but I also seek joyfulness in my heart.  Sound cheesy?  Well, F-you, I want some God damn joyfulness!!!!

Here's what I mean by joyfulness, or just joy for short.  It's that feeling when you encounter something that just sends your senses soaring.  I guess you could call it a rush.  Inspiration.  I'm seeking that right now.  I feel really uninspired.  Well, it's really only in my work life.  I mean, I love my boyfriend and I feel joy when I go to my kids' school and feel all of their success and friendships there.  There are just good people at those schools, and I can feel my kids happiness.  That is like freakin' crack to me.  But work... meh.

With work... I've been searching.  I have had various jobs over the past few years.  And that's all they were, jobs.  I have been trying to find that thing that I love to do.  Writing does that, but any writing jobs I've had haven't neccessarily put me on Easy Street, if you know what I mean.  I did have an interview at a an ad agency for a copywriting job several months ago that gave me a mental "schwing!".  I'm serious.  I walked into the place and felt the energy instantly, I was in Heaven.  The interview was with a friend of mine, but unfortunately I found out about it a little too late, they were already in negotiations with some kid that already had agency experience.  I was actually sad that I didn't get the job.

I started a job this week doing internet advertising analysis.  Basically SEO and Adwords campaign stuff.  It's interesting, I'm just getting started, we'll see.  But what I am hopeful about is, after a two year hiatus, I'm headed back to school in a couple of weeks.  I will be taking a feature writing course, and a graphic design course.  Just thinking about the subject matter gets me all tingly.  Maybe I'll have more direction and experience after I take those courses.

I ran into a guy this past week bartending at a place I don't frequent often, but stopped in to see my friend's artwork that was being exhibited.  I hadn't seen the guy since about 1987.  I knew him back in my punk days, first met round about 1983, he was known as Mohawk Mike, just an acquaintance.  He was uber punk, had like a foot high mohawk, always wore combat boots, leather jacket, studded collar, flannel shirt tied around his waist.  Anyway, I see him at this bar... looks exactly the same except with no hair at all.  He's in his late 40s and hasn't changed.  I talked to him a bit, he says he's been doing the same stuff for the past 25+ years.  He is the alternative, nightlife scene.  Never married, no kids.

His exact words to me were, "I never grew up".  He's happy.  I don't know, he hangs around what inspires him, music, creative punk fashion, art, nightlife... is that grown up or not grown up?  Does it matter?  It just made me think.  I didn't think I was any better or worse than him, nor he any better or worse than me.  A little part of me was jealous, to be able to come and go in that scene whenever you want... cool!  But for me, I also knew I needed to be a Mom, to create something larger than myself.

So, inspiration comes in many forms.  I have it in parts of my life, but I want that thing that makes me really happy to get up every morning.  There is just something missing.  I mean, I'm happy, generally, but well going to work shouldn't be something you dread.  But I also want to feel good about being able to provide everything my children need with room to spare.  It's a fine line to walk, do what you love or provide for all four of us.  Why couldn't I figure out that I loved being a lawyer 25 years ago.  Unfortunately, I was born creative and not intellectual. Well, you know what I mean.  Hopefully, I'll find joyfulness soon.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Can't Hide Behind the Weave...

Can someone please explain to me the phenomenon of "weaves"?

Yea, I know this is highly intellectual subject matter, so brace yourself.

I just don't get it, why every young girl in the world seems to have one even when they seem to have a perfectly good head of long, luxurious hair.  Perhaps, that is just the illusion of the weave?  No, wait, I've seen the before and after pics.  I just don't get it.

I just Googled "hair weave" and found such complex terms as "remy hair", "weft hair", "single drawn", "double draw"...  what the hell does all this stuff mean?!!!!  And why is this all necessary?  Just wear your hair like the good Lord made ya'!  Or wear a wig like Zsa Zsa...

Who the hell would go through all that trouble?  I heard it takes like hours to sew in.  And who would sign up for that job?!  Standing there for hours, manually sewing hair into someone's head?  Oh, sign me up for that one!

And on a side note... talking about doing intricate things with hair... can someone with ethnic hair experience please tell me, how in the hell you  turn thick, curly, puffy  hair (I mention it, because I have the same sort of red caucasian hair) into those little tiny braids?  Again a process that takes hours.  I'd develop arthritis in the process... oh wait I already have it.

Women have everything fake these days, hair, nails, boobs, tans.  It's really disturbing to me.  I am proud to say I don't have any of the above.  Well, I do have them, but they are all natural.  (I would look kind of strange with no hair, no nails, no boobs, and no pigmentation).  But what I have is mine, and I like it.  Yes, even love it. 

Why do we all have to pretend to be something else?  Why does everyday have to be Halloween?  Do men really like all that stuff or is it just for other women?  And what is up with those gigantic fake nails that look like paint scrapers?  They look ridiculous.  Who thinks this stuff looks good?  I don't, but what do I know?

I just wish people would learn to love themselves, warts and all.  Ok, maybe not warts, but just curly frizzy hair, short nails, small boobs, and pale skin.  It's all beautiful.  What's even more beautiful is self-respect, intelligence, character, life experience, and integrity.  Those are the things that truly make you beautiful.  Cultivate those things.  Judge Judy has always had it right, "Beauty fades, dumb is forever". 

My new motto to young girls in regard to learning to love yourself - "Lose the Weave".