The World Revolves Around the Sun, Not You

Life has ups and downs, highs and lows, it ebbs and flows.  Hey, I made a rhyme.  Sorry, I'm a little tired, I'm easily amused.  Those high points are sure great aren't they?  Those low points can be soul crushing, can't they?  But, guess what... silver lining alert!  Those low points can be very educational and serve a great purpose.

I didn't think I had anything to write today as I am literally spent.  I'm all out of mental gas.  One daughter had oral surgery at the beginning of last week.  Another daughter had major surgery to repair a deformed breastplate last Friday and she just got out of the hospital yesterday.  I spent most every spare moment when not working at the hospital and paid about $40 in parking for the week.  And my son is graduating high school this weekend, and I had to attend brunches and ceremonies and whatnot somehow this week.  My son goes to an all boys school, so they had a  Mother/Son brunch, that damn thing made me sob like a baby as he presented me with flowers.  Oy, I'm getting verklempt just thinking about it again.  (and I'm not even Jewish)  And I'm still trying to get the third one back and forth to school and homework done and finish up lacrosse season.

Ok, ok... so anyway.  My point is not to say oh woe is me, and act like I have the worst problems in the world... I certainly don't.  Just letting you know my mental capacity is diminished because of this load.  Oh on top of all that, I had to empty out all my bank accounts to pay my sons $1,000 housing deposit for NYU this week.  And I'm doing this all alone.  Thanks, ex-husband, wherever you are.  It's such a tragedy you are missing all your children's milestones.  Oh, and I forgot to mention, I got a letter in the mail yesterday letting me know that after almost 12 years of legal divorce, my annullment was granted.  Makes one reflect and creates a certain sense of relief and failure.  :(

Oh crap, see I didn't want this to be an unloading of my woes, but maybe that was a bit therapeutic writing that.  Ok, so anyway, silver lining, yada yada... here it is.  With all this stuff that was going on, I've had some other issues pop up, like some people needing attention or having problems they wanted to talk to me about or family members wanting to educate me on one thing or another, or even my own children bringing up things that just don't need to be handled right now.  In the past I would have tried to handle everything, and put on my best crown of thorns and played martyr.  But this time, (and it was kind of hard because I am a people pleaser) I just said no.  I can only handle so much.  I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, please understand I don't dislike you, I'm just at capacity at the moment.  No Vacancy.

Ya' know, when I was in college, I couldn't stand that God damn plastic doe-eyed Nancy Reagan and her patronizing and trite campaign of "Just Say No".  As if complex drug addiction was that easy.  Anyway, now I have some respect for her being 90 something and having lived with a spouse with Alzheimer's, that had to be heartbreaking.  Anyway,  I still don't like it but I adopted the "Just Say No" motto for some things.  (I still think it's a dumbass anti-drug slogan)

I had to firmly say, "I can't deal with this now, I will discuss it later".  And if that didn't work, I just shut it down.  I'm no good to my kids with an anyeurism or nervous breakdown in the hospital.  And no one is going to put a damper on me enjoying my son's graduation either by causing drama.  He's earned this, and so have I.  I paid what wasn't covered by scholarships, I was there when he needed papers proof-read, I was there when that girl broke his heart, I nursed him through sports injuries, I drove him to every damn activity under the sun, I was there at fundraisers and plays and conerts and his sporting events, I took him on all the college visits.  So bite me, you're not going to take this away from me.  Cue James Brown... Say it loud, I'm a Grad Mom and I'm proud!

Going through tough times has taught me it's ok to say no.  It made me realize when there were people in my life that suddenly shut me off (it was usually men that I dated that were going through a divorce), it wasn't personal (I hope), it was they had bigger fish to fry and some chick they went out with a couple of times who started whining about why I can't see them was last on the list to deal with.  Hey, it only took me 12 years to learn.  It was a two-fold learning experience, 1. It's ok to say no when you're overloaded.  and 2. Don't take it personally when someone says no to you.  Saying "Thank you, I understand" and giving space will keep that lasting relationship rather than pissing and moaning and trying to force someone to pay attention to you.   Don't be so quick to judge, you never know what someone else has going on.  It's not always about you or me, sometimes there are just bigger forces at work.  Love and kisses, now leave me the hell alone!  (just kidding, leave me lots of comments)  :)

Let the New Blog and Life Begin...

So, I'm on a mission.  I think I've figured this out.  The last couple of years I have been floundering with this blog.  Wondering how to still be funny but with less raunch, more purpose.  I have been trying to decide which direction to take, what focus I'd like to have.  In essence I've been wanting to re-brand myself.

My Myspace blog years ago, to which I had a rather large following, (over 800 followers) was focused mostly on my dating and parenting life post divorce.  That was pretty easy since I hadn't been in a relationship for years.  But really, how long can you write about that?  It gets old after a while. Besides, my kids are teens now, I don't want them reading my dating exploits, and I'm sure it would be a major creep factor for them. 

Think, think, think.  What else do I know about?  Well, it kind of hit me today... I know about survival.  For those of you who know me, know that I have had quite a struggle over the past eleven years, well ok 20 years.  For those of you who don't, here's a not entirely brief synopsis:

I thought I married a really nice, well educated, successful engineer and ex Div. I hockey player.  But in 2000, I got out of a marriage to an eventual verbally abusive, alcoholic man, who had an affair on me while I was pregnant with our third child.  Well back up a little, after a job transfer moved us from NY to Denver in 2000, where I didn't know a soul and had three children ages 6, 3, and 14 months. we divorced and he quickly moves in with the girl he had an affair with.  He buys them a home and starts spending all his money on them.  I'm stuck to find whatever rental I can afford.  I had to keep finding jobs where I could take care of my children 90% of the time because he always traveled with his job.  I had been a stay at home mom for 5 years, I could only get crap jobs, I was in radio and TV before that.  I kept having to quit before I got fired because I'd have childcare problems.   In 2004 he moved back East, leaving me in Denver to raise them alone, making monthly visits, which towards the end were cut short with kids calling me crying.

I was a realtor at the time and the bust hit Denver in 2006.  I could no longer afford to live there and I was losing my mind raising the children alone.  So I moved back to Rochester at the end of 2006 with the promise from my ex that there would be all kinds of help from him and his parents.  I started over, trying to find jobs, etc.  Things were looking up after about a year, I decided to go back to school while working a decent job, then my ex went off the deep end.  He sunk deep into his alcoholism and disappeared, skipped town, stopped paying support, stopped talking to the kids and me.  The children were devastated.  He did have his moments of being a good Dad, and they missed that.

That was over 2 years ago.  I had to quit a job because it was a half hour drive and couldn't be that far from my kids with no other help, and they weren't happy with me because I was a mess.  I was having a nervous breakdown. First I lost half my income with losing child support, then I was jobless, I was left with a pile of extra bills he was supposed to be paying (braces, sports, etc.) got evicted, had to apply for foodstamps, medicaid, free lunch at school, and clean friend's toilets to get gas money.  There was even a point where I had absolutely no income before I got approved for aid, that was a complete nightmare. But I did lose 20 lbs from not being able to afford food!  Hollah!  (Important Tip: always look for silver lining)

Blah, blah, blah, there were many years before that of having to rescue my kids from torturous behavior by their Dad that I won't even go into.  Eventually I collected myself, got a few part-time jobs, then after a couple years re-directed myself into resuming my marketing career, and worked my way up to finding a full-time contract job (no benefits).  My kids are thriving, they are all A students, and active in sports and music/theater.  My oldest is a senior and has applied to some of the best colleges in the country.  I got financial aid all by myself for my kids to go to 2 of the best schools in the area, because they had the grades and drive to go.  And amazingly we've talked our way through this and stuck together and have all remained well grounded.  Nobody has started acting out, not even me.  Ok, well I couldn't have gotten through this without cocktails now and then, but I'm an adult, I'm allowed.  And most importantly friends and family, couldn't have made it through without them either.  Oh and one other thing, I didn't seek out a man to save me.  Although, a few years and pounds ago, that stripper pole was looking like it could be a way to eat.

So, why the long story?  (what's sad is that I left a whole bunch of stuff out, oy)  To give you background on what I know.  How to survive.  My blog will be about how to survive adulthood.  I will touch on all the adult subjects: financial, emotional, parenting, dating/relationships, jobs.  I don't have all the answers, but I can share my experiences and tips for making it through some tough spots, all with a little laughter.  Because really humor makes it all bearable.  At the very least, let my life and this blog serve as an example of what mistakes not to make.  :)  Happy Holidays!