Yes I Suck But Parenting is Not a Competitive Sport

I started following an account on Twitter this week that I really like, Sh*tty Mom.   Check it out.   It's a book coming out that I believe is written by two women, and oh how I relate to these women.  (if you want to follow me on Twitter, I'm @MadgeMadigan)

I must confess something...  I produced my first college scholarship winning child by being a crappy mom.  Also my two daughters are still in high school and middle school and are A students, and this is another result of my crappiness.

I frankly have no idea how this happened.  My son is going to NYU in an honors program in the Fall.  He's a wonderfully down to Earth, kind, polite, good athlete, funny as hell, talented in singing and acting, and very insightful.  I have two daughters (I hate to lump them together but they are very similar, see evidence of crappy momness) who are A students, good athletes, kind, polite, funny as hell, talented in singing, acting and art, and are very insightful (when not being hormonal). 

And what did I do?  Pretty much nothing.  The question should be more of what didn't I do?  Shall I list?  Yes, let me count my apathetic ways...

- I never once "made" any sort of foodstuffs for a birthday party, or school party, or Girl Scout shindig, or end of the season soccer party, or some such other convoluted self-esteem building event for children.  I tried to avoid having to do anything all together, but if I was forced to I opted to bring the paper products, ya' know plates, napkins, etc. 

- I never bought my kids anything that cost more than $40 for a present. 

- I never kept my house immaculate.  I'm usually apologizing for the mess when people come over.  I didn't get the housekeeping gene.  I mean, it's not like I'm a hoarder with 6 inches of animal feces and fast food wrappers on the floor.  But there's always stuff around, backpacks, books, magazines, some dust, evidence that we are living.  After a while I become oblivious to it.  I guess I wish an unkempt house bothered me a little more but it just doesn't.  *hangs head*

- I never thoroughly enjoyed playing with my kids outside.  Sometimes I did, but a lot of times I sat in a chair while they ran around.  I'm sad I didn't have the energy to frolic through a meadow with them as if we were in a detergent commercial, but at least I was there.  Albeit sometimes I was texting or talking on the phone but hey, I was supervising.

- I didn't go to every single one of my kid's sporting events.  I almost did!  But sometimes there were three at once and it was just impossible.  Other times I couldn't get out of work.  Other times I was just too drunk.  NO!  I'm kidding.  Just seeing if you were paying attention...

- I've never caught up on laundry.  Almost everyday my kids are pulling the clothes they want to wear out of the laundry basket of clean clothes I just brought up from the basement but haven't bothered had time to fold.

So yea, I suck.  But the truth is a lot of us Moms suck.  And ya' know what?  It's ok.

Sure we all suck compared to June Cleaver, Donna Reed, or Carol Brady.  Hmmm, are those references too dated?  Have there even been any "perfect moms" on TV in the last 25 years?  I don't know, wasn't the mom on Home Improvement kind of perfect-y?  Anyway.  The point is, it's a different world but women still have the "Super Woman" complex.  We feel we need to be all things to all people.  Let's face it, women can be a wicked competitive lot.  And then sometimes women make stupid choices because of what they feel are the more important successes that should be noticed.

Why was I a slacker in all of those areas?  Because I was a divorced Mother of 3 children for 10 years, with an ex who I couldn't depend on, and I had to work to support the four of us.  And any job I've ever had has never paid more than $36k/year.  I couldn't afford much of anything that's why I tried not to volunteer to bring stuff.  Crappy I know, but I wasn't going to spend money I didn't have just so I looked good to the other Moms.  I didn't blow my money on expensive things for the kids just to look good either.  I did my share when we all had to pitch in, but I was always praying that we were done with soccer games before they got to my name on the snack list.  What the hell do kids need a snack for?  They won't starve before they get home.  I played plenty of sports and I never collapsed from malnourishment in the time it took to leave the school and arrive at home.

I didn't enjoy playing with the kids all the time because I was damn tired from working and being both parents.  I didn't clean like a motherhucker because I was tired and I thought my time would be better spent sitting down and talking to my kids and helping them with their homework and feeding and cleaning them.

Basically I had to pick and choose how my time and money were best spent.  I would have loved to bring fabulous baked goods to all their gatherings but I resolved myself to the fact that I'd rather people know me for my awesome kids than my awesome cookies.  Don't get me wrong, I do know women who have great kids and great cookies... and I envy them.  But I do know they might be lacking in other areas, say maybe they ignore their spouse in order to make good cookies.  Look ladies, we just can't be all things to all people so don't beat yourself up over it.  Do the best you can do but try to put the kids first.  It used to bother me that I couldn't be perfect but now I freely admit that I'm... craptastic!

Idiot Parents and Psycho Kids, Does Not a Good Family Make

Be prepared for controversy today.  I know some of you may have strong opinions on this one, but hear me out...

I was listening to a really crappy morning radio show the other day during the daily kid shuttle, only because every other station was on commercial break.  I was also curious as to what was so great about this morning crew of which people raved.  The answer was: nothing.  But I can now give an educated opinion that they suck.  I digress.  They were talking about a guy who had been shot in the city in front of some kids, which lead to why were the kids out with no supervision anyway?  (which I didn't see how that had anything to do with the murder, the guy was down the street and someone shot him)  So the clueless hosts started to rant about the lack of good parenting in urban homes.  Oy, why not just pull out some racial slurs while you're at it?  So the insipid male host went into full on rant mode emphatically stating that all children would be best raised by 2 parents.  That would be a Mom and a Dad.

*Ahem*

He ranted on and on that there would be less crime if there were two parents and more supervision in the home.  Let me just point out one small detail that Insipid Host Guy missed -  if said supervision is a moron, it won't necessarily produce better behaved offspring.

Let me present a few different scenarios.  Now, this isn't a big ole pro-gay parenting rant, don't get your pre-conceived panties in a bunch, I'm just pro-good parenting... just let me present these facts....


* Lyle and Erik Menendez were raised by two wealthy suburban married hetero parents.  (For those too young for the reference, these fine boys were convicted of murdering their parents in 1989)


* I have 3 children and they have a lot of friends and know who does what at school.  Most of the kids that are perpetually in trouble at school come from two parent hetereo homes.


* My older daughter has a classmate who is a boy raised by two moms.  He's 15, star athlete, A student, well mannered, very masculine and dates girls.  I guess the gay agenda to raise a new generation of all gay, all the time failed there, huh? 


* I know some single hetero moms that are raising kids that haved dropped out of high school and are doing nothing but smoking pot and playing video games.  (the kid, not the mom)


* I know two parent hetero homes that have perfectly nice, smart children, but wouldn't know how to withstand a crisis or make a decision if their life depended on it. 


*  George Washington, first president, Founding Father, highly revered symbol of this country... was raised by a single mother.  (his Father died when he was 11)


*  Oprah Winfrey, the most successful and wealthiest female media mogul ever, was raised by several different people.  First by her single teen Mother, then her Mother and Grandmother, then just her Grandmother, then by the man she thought was her biological Father, then she ran away from home for a while, then moved back with Mom.


*  I know a local kid who was raised by two Moms (one Mom was biological via sperm donor), but by junior high the Moms seperated.  Both Moms are attorneys.  So then that made him a child of gay divorced parents, living between two homes.  He was a nice smart kid when he was little, now he's a slacker pothead hanging around with the kind of dirtbag crowd, who I'm not sure is even going to college.


*  A friend had a child with her first husband, he ran off and later she remarried.  The child has been raised by Step-Dad as if it was his own.  The child is well mannered, successful college graduate living in NYC.


* Shania Twain, a perfectly nice successful country singer was physically abused by her Step-Father.


*  President Bill Clinton was first raised by two parents, then Father died so it became a single parent home, then mother remarried and he was beaten up often by his Step-Father.  Although his treatment of females is questionable, he did become POTUS.

*Charles Manson was born to an unwed 16 year old runaway sometimes prostitute who kept trying to pawn him off to orphanages, relatives or other random people, having once traded him to a childless waitress for a pitcher of beer.  And we all know what happened to him...

*  Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold who committed the Columbine High School Massacre in 1999 were both raised in suburban hetero two parent homes.


*  And finally... me.  I have 3 children, got divorced when they were all under 7.  Later Dad disappeared completely, and left us destitute.  I didn't have any romantic relationships the first 9 years of  being divorced.  I work full time but still qualify for food and medical aid.  My oldest is graduating from a top all boys prep school and going to NYU next year.  My girls are both A students, good athletes, well mannered and go to a good all girls school.


My point?  Not sure, I started off thinking good parenting was the key, but some of my scenarios have proven otherwise.  There is no perfect formula for raising non-troubled children.  I'm not married but I'd say my kids are pretty good so far, but should I run out and get married just because Bristol Palin said my kids should have a Mom and Dad?  Which we all know is idiotic because she was an unwed teen mom who pushed her baby-daddy out of the picture.  WTF?

And that whole sanctity of marriage thing?  With people choosing purposely to have babies out of wedlock, the divorce rate for first marriages is (approx.) 50%, second marriages 67%, and third marriages 75%, I'd say that sanctity was shot to hell along time ago.

At first I thought the only thing to ensure decent kids is to not be an idiot, but I've seen offspring of idiots turn out well.  And I've seen children of nice people become deeply troubled.  However, I still don't recommend being an idiot parent like, oh say, the "Tan Mom" Patricia Krentcil.  But who knows her kids could turn out to be rocket scientists.  Not likely, but ya' never know.

Well hell, now I'm more confused than when I started this blog.  Is parenting just luck or chance?  Nah.  Um... maybe?  However I'd say it's safer to be a good parent than not.  All I know is that there is no magic formula like some would have you believe of having a two parent hetero home.  I am certain that the family dynamic does not pre-determine the success of the child.  Neither terrible parenting nor problematic children are exclusive of any one race, socio-economic group, sexual orientation, or living situation.  So... good luck with that.

Let me know what you think, is there a formula for parenting?

Even That Man vs. Wild Dude Wouldn't Take This Task On...

I am not really afraid of anything.  Except for frogs and rejection.  Don't ask me why but I've had a strange fear of frogs since I was little, I think it's the unpredictable jumping at you thing.  And rejection, well that's why I suck at selling anything except myself.  I was the worst commercial print salesperson ever, but I was a decent realtor.

Anyway... I mean, after raising 3 kids on my own, I usually accept any challenge without reservation.  Maybe a little anxiety but really no fear.  But I have one challenge coming up that I'm a little concerned about.  Oh Christ, more than a little, a lot.   I pride myself on being a one man band, chief cook and bottle washer, mostly because I'm a broke single Mom with a deadbeat ex-husband and can't afford any other solution.  But for this... *gasp* I am considering a third party alternative.

The problem... I live in upstate NY, and my son is going to college in New York City next year, NYU to be exact.  Now, I have absolutely no fear of the city, but this... this is different.  I am going to have to drive into Manhattan with a carload of crap and probably a rooftop carrier since my 2 daughters want to go to see big brother off as well.  NYU has you make reservations for check-in time.  You have like a 15 minute block to drive up in front of the building and schlep your junk to the 22nd floor or whatever.  

I've driven in Manhattan several times but it's so much easier to just park somewhere on the outskirts (NJ) and train it in.   That saves on expensive parking garages and it's just faster.  I can navigate the subway like a purse snatcher on the run!  But this... oy, I mean I can't stop anywhere, I can't leave the car unattended with all the stuff in it.  And I won't be able to see well to squeeze in a left turn or something.  I'm getting hives...

I'm seriously considering, dare I say it.... taking the basics that will fit in the car and shipping the rest.  *clutch the pearls*  I know, I know.  But I'm just getting tightness in my chest thinking about driving a loaded up vehicle like the Griswold's station wagon with the crap tied to the roof into Manhattan.  Then after I unload, where the hell do I park?  Sure, probably some $35/hour garage nearby.  Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I need a drink.  

Maybe it's not fear, maybe it's just being smart and realizing the reallity of things.  I guess if I were afraid, I wouldn't let my son go to NYC in the first place.  God bless him for having no fear either.  But he has his Mother's sense of adventure.  Maybe it's just my common sense saying, "You've done this before, you know how the traffic is, make it easier on yourself."  So maybe instead of being hard on myself for being anxious about it, I should give myself credit for trying to prevent a disaster.  

I used to think the only good, honest, honorable way of accomplishing something was to tackle it head-on the hard way, wrestle it to the ground with my bare fists.  But I guess I'm discovering sometimes the smartest and most sensible way to tackle something is to get help and create the least amount of stress for all involved.

Here's Your Holiday Frozen Dinner Kids, Now Pour Mommy Another Drink...

This is going to be a post with a very small demographic that will be interested in the subject matter.  A niche blog, if you will.  Or maybe I'll be surprised and more people will agree with me.  It's about how I am totally over "Mommies with Small Children" talk.

Yes, yes, I know I'm totally being a hypocrit because I used to be one.  But that's why I hate it now because I've done my time, I'm over the whole poopy diaper talk.  Don't get me wrong, I loooooved being a Mom of small children, I was even a stay-at-home mom for 5 years when my kids were babies and toddlers.  But now they are 18, 15, and 13 and I've raised them 90% by myself with their Dad being MIA, so yea, I'm done with the whole "I found great crafts to do with my kids" stuff.  Screw you, and your crafts.  I enjoy laughing and talking and discussing music and movies with my kids.  They are more entertaining than most adults I know.

I have to say that even when I had small children I was mindful of not incessantly talking about the latest bed wetting incident or how when my son said hockey puck it sounded like a bad word.  And seriously stop making every Facebook status about that stuff too, I'm about to defreind your ass.  I just knew that it was annoying to other people, because honestly when all of my much older brothers and sisters were having kids when I was still in HS, college, and after, and they talked about it all the time, I wanted to punch them in the pancreas.

I don't begrudge Mother's bragging (hell I do that one all the time) or trading stories about their children, but when every new Mom acts like they are the first one to ever have kids it gets on my last damn nerve.  Holy cow, you're right!  You are the first one to ever have a kid dump their entire dinner off of the high chair!  Oh my God, PLEASE tell me what it's like!  *eye roll*

So I'm a bitch.  Yea, say it.  It's just that... I'm tired.  Been there, done that.  And now even when I'm talking to Moms who have teens like me and they talk about all the great crap they are making for the holidays for the kids, I want to get out the ice pick and start stabbing.  I've never been a Suzie Homemaker, but I always tried to make things as special as I could with being broke and no domestic motivation.  I've played Santa and the Easter Bunny all by myself for the past 15 years.  I even played a damn leprechaun on St. Paddy's Day, 'cuz that's how we Irish do.  *thumps chest*  But again, I say to you...

I'm tired.

I put all my energy into working full time, running kids around to every activity and appointment under the sun, and trying to have a relationship, but let's face it, men at our age are just like having another child.  When they start asking you to put ointment on sh*t, it's all over for you in the romance department. 

But with my kids, I put my energy into different areas now.  I am at every event they have, every sport, every concert, every fundraiser at school.  I dry their tears over romantic rejection or frustration with a class.  I know all their friends, I have to because at this age, you let one little scumbag get near them and it can change their whole course of history.  You think I'm kidding?  How many times have you heard the phrase, "I got in with the wrong crowd"?  I rest my case.  Also, I've spent hours upon hours filling out FAFSA forms for these kids to go to their awesome private schools and for my son to go to the college of his choosing next year because he's smart and works hard, (which will probably be NYU).  I'm driving him down to NYU next weekend for an admitted students weekend.  So, you'll forgive me if I don't make God damn homemade Easter baskets!

Oh who am I kidding, I'll still buy some peppermint patties and peanut butter cups on my food stamps and fill up their old baskets.  But I won't be happy about it!  And I don't want to hear about yours! *grumble grumble*  I try to be nice and fein interest, I really do, but please don't make me feel like a big pile of crap because I'm not still in the storytime and playgroup mindset while making Christmas cookies.  I did my time... now get Mommy another drink...