Life has ups and downs, highs and lows, it ebbs and flows. Hey, I made a rhyme. Sorry, I'm a little tired, I'm easily amused. Those high points are sure great aren't they? Those low points can be soul crushing, can't they? But, guess what... silver lining alert! Those low points can be very educational and serve a great purpose.
I didn't think I had anything to write today as I am literally spent. I'm all out of mental gas. One daughter had oral surgery at the beginning of last week. Another daughter had major surgery to repair a deformed breastplate last Friday and she just got out of the hospital yesterday. I spent most every spare moment when not working at the hospital and paid about $40 in parking for the week. And my son is graduating high school this weekend, and I had to attend brunches and ceremonies and whatnot somehow this week. My son goes to an all boys school, so they had a Mother/Son brunch, that damn thing made me sob like a baby as he presented me with flowers. Oy, I'm getting verklempt just thinking about it again. (and I'm not even Jewish) And I'm still trying to get the third one back and forth to school and homework done and finish up lacrosse season.
Ok, ok... so anyway. My point is not to say oh woe is me, and act like I have the worst problems in the world... I certainly don't. Just letting you know my mental capacity is diminished because of this load. Oh on top of all that, I had to empty out all my bank accounts to pay my sons $1,000 housing deposit for NYU this week. And I'm doing this all alone. Thanks, ex-husband, wherever you are. It's such a tragedy you are missing all your children's milestones. Oh, and I forgot to mention, I got a letter in the mail yesterday letting me know that after almost 12 years of legal divorce, my annullment was granted. Makes one reflect and creates a certain sense of relief and failure. :(
Oh crap, see I didn't want this to be an unloading of my woes, but maybe that was a bit therapeutic writing that. Ok, so anyway, silver lining, yada yada... here it is. With all this stuff that was going on, I've had some other issues pop up, like some people needing attention or having problems they wanted to talk to me about or family members wanting to educate me on one thing or another, or even my own children bringing up things that just don't need to be handled right now. In the past I would have tried to handle everything, and put on my best crown of thorns and played martyr. But this time, (and it was kind of hard because I am a people pleaser) I just said no. I can only handle so much. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, please understand I don't dislike you, I'm just at capacity at the moment. No Vacancy.
Ya' know, when I was in college, I couldn't stand that God damn plastic doe-eyed Nancy Reagan and her patronizing and trite campaign of "Just Say No". As if complex drug addiction was that easy. Anyway, now I have some respect for her being 90 something and having lived with a spouse with Alzheimer's, that had to be heartbreaking. Anyway, I still don't like it but I adopted the "Just Say No" motto for some things. (I still think it's a dumbass anti-drug slogan)
I had to firmly say, "I can't deal with this now, I will discuss it later". And if that didn't work, I just shut it down. I'm no good to my kids with an anyeurism or nervous breakdown in the hospital. And no one is going to put a damper on me enjoying my son's graduation either by causing drama. He's earned this, and so have I. I paid what wasn't covered by scholarships, I was there when he needed papers proof-read, I was there when that girl broke his heart, I nursed him through sports injuries, I drove him to every damn activity under the sun, I was there at fundraisers and plays and conerts and his sporting events, I took him on all the college visits. So bite me, you're not going to take this away from me. Cue James Brown... Say it loud, I'm a Grad Mom and I'm proud!
Going through tough times has taught me it's ok to say no. It made me realize when there were people in my life that suddenly shut me off (it was usually men that I dated that were going through a divorce), it wasn't personal (I hope), it was they had bigger fish to fry and some chick they went out with a couple of times who started whining about why I can't see them was last on the list to deal with. Hey, it only took me 12 years to learn. It was a two-fold learning experience, 1. It's ok to say no when you're overloaded. and 2. Don't take it personally when someone says no to you. Saying "Thank you, I understand" and giving space will keep that lasting relationship rather than pissing and moaning and trying to force someone to pay attention to you. Don't be so quick to judge, you never know what someone else has going on. It's not always about you or me, sometimes there are just bigger forces at work. Love and kisses, now leave me the hell alone! (just kidding, leave me lots of comments) :)
Showing posts with label challenges. Show all posts
Showing posts with label challenges. Show all posts
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Upside: Homeless Shelters are a Great Way to Make New Friends!
In today's chapter of Madge's Adult Survival Guide, we shall discuss...shelter.
I would say about... oh 75% of us have had trying times with our living situation at one point. No, not about needing a 3 car garage instead of a 2, or adding a home theater. (bastards) I'm talking about things like...
- Divorce. Someone's gotta' move... where do you go?
- Job loss or other various money issues. Can't afford the house or rent anymore. Where do you go?
- Dangerous living conditions. Abuse, bad neighborhood, crazy landlord, whatever. You know the question...
Sometimes it may just be a case of geography, "This place ain't workin', I need to go". That was my case living in Denver. I had moved there in 2000 when I was married for his job, then we got divorced and he eventually moved back East. I was there by myself, no family, some friends, but it just didn't really feel like home, and not to mention it was too damn expensive by myself! So in 2006, back East I went...
Was that a step backward? A step foreward? Sideways? What? People often asked me why I moved to Rochester from Denver like I was some sort of intellectually challenged cretin. After a while I thought, "Hey bite me, I happen to like New York State!" Ya' got a problem with that?
I heard a friend mention taking a step backward in moving her kids and that prompted me to write this. Most all of us have had a time in our life where we need to regroup. For those of you that haven't and are still living in the same big house for 20 years... I hate you. Nah, you're incredibly lucky. Good for you. *grumble grumble* For the rest of us, we've had to make tough decisions.
As I said, for the reasons above, some of us had to decide, (or had it thrust upon us) whether to move into an apartment or move home to our parents or friends or shelters or change locales. It happened to me, I got evicted from a house I was renting a few years ago here in Rochester. My ex-husband suddenly disappeared and stopped paying support, and my income was cut in half. I coudn't afford the house, I met with landlords and told them the circumstances, asked to maybe find a new renter, etc. No, they decided they wanted to evict me and get all the money out of it they could. Really really unkind folks, especially since I was trying to negotiate from the hospital as I thought I was having a heart attack. They would rather put a single mom and 3 kids out on the street, because you know nothing personal, it's just business. (I highly suggest caution about doing business with folks under the company name Bamberger in the Monroe/Wayne/Ontario Counties around here.) Anyway, decisions had to be made, and I believe in karma...
Various family members wanted me to move in with them. I love love love them for the offer. But that meant yet another move to another state. With kids in jr and sr high, I just wasn't going to uproot them again. I just knew in my heart it would not be good in the long run. So I borrowed money for a security deposit (since the eviction cost me several thousand dollars that I didn't have) and moved into a townhouse style apartment. Living in an apartment complex blows after I've lived in some nice houses with yards. But what am I gonna' do? I did what I had to do. Biggest casualty... my pride. I used to love to entertain in my house, now I don't want people to know where I live. We used to be the hangout house for kids, now I'm embarrased to have kids over. Oh well.
So, that's the dilemma... is it a step down? Yea, going from a house to an apartment is probably looked upon as a downgrade more than an upgrade. It sucks. I sure didn't feel like singing The Jeffersons theme "Well, we're movin' on up!" I live around some less desirables than I'd like. There are two bedrooms for four people, my son doesn't even have his own room. The place is small, the kitchen is 5x5, and so is the one bathroom for Me and 3 kids. I don't have a garage. I can't paint or redecorate or plant things. The kids don't like the trashy people that roam the parking lot or hearing the neighbors through the walls. But... I can afford it. And we stayed in the school district, and because of it my son will be going to one of the best colleges in the country next year. I'd like to think I won't be their forever either. I have plans, hopes, dreams. That's all I can do.
You just have to do what you can do. What's best for you and your children, spouse, parents, whatever the case may be. The most important thing is to really think it through and put your pride aside. Sometimes you may have to think of the short term, other times think it through to the long term. Make a list of options, pros and cons. And for the love of God, DO NOT move into someone your dating's place if you have kids, just because it's convenient! Eh, maybe if it's for a week, while you're in transition from one place to another or something, but Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, don't make relationship decisions based on saving on your cable bill! Seriously, please, just say no. Think it through. You may not have the best home, but you can take pride in knowing you are doing the best thing possible for you and your family (if that applies).
I would say about... oh 75% of us have had trying times with our living situation at one point. No, not about needing a 3 car garage instead of a 2, or adding a home theater. (bastards) I'm talking about things like...
- Divorce. Someone's gotta' move... where do you go?
- Job loss or other various money issues. Can't afford the house or rent anymore. Where do you go?
- Dangerous living conditions. Abuse, bad neighborhood, crazy landlord, whatever. You know the question...
Sometimes it may just be a case of geography, "This place ain't workin', I need to go". That was my case living in Denver. I had moved there in 2000 when I was married for his job, then we got divorced and he eventually moved back East. I was there by myself, no family, some friends, but it just didn't really feel like home, and not to mention it was too damn expensive by myself! So in 2006, back East I went...
Was that a step backward? A step foreward? Sideways? What? People often asked me why I moved to Rochester from Denver like I was some sort of intellectually challenged cretin. After a while I thought, "Hey bite me, I happen to like New York State!" Ya' got a problem with that?
I heard a friend mention taking a step backward in moving her kids and that prompted me to write this. Most all of us have had a time in our life where we need to regroup. For those of you that haven't and are still living in the same big house for 20 years... I hate you. Nah, you're incredibly lucky. Good for you. *grumble grumble* For the rest of us, we've had to make tough decisions.
As I said, for the reasons above, some of us had to decide, (or had it thrust upon us) whether to move into an apartment or move home to our parents or friends or shelters or change locales. It happened to me, I got evicted from a house I was renting a few years ago here in Rochester. My ex-husband suddenly disappeared and stopped paying support, and my income was cut in half. I coudn't afford the house, I met with landlords and told them the circumstances, asked to maybe find a new renter, etc. No, they decided they wanted to evict me and get all the money out of it they could. Really really unkind folks, especially since I was trying to negotiate from the hospital as I thought I was having a heart attack. They would rather put a single mom and 3 kids out on the street, because you know nothing personal, it's just business. (I highly suggest caution about doing business with folks under the company name Bamberger in the Monroe/Wayne/Ontario Counties around here.) Anyway, decisions had to be made, and I believe in karma...
Various family members wanted me to move in with them. I love love love them for the offer. But that meant yet another move to another state. With kids in jr and sr high, I just wasn't going to uproot them again. I just knew in my heart it would not be good in the long run. So I borrowed money for a security deposit (since the eviction cost me several thousand dollars that I didn't have) and moved into a townhouse style apartment. Living in an apartment complex blows after I've lived in some nice houses with yards. But what am I gonna' do? I did what I had to do. Biggest casualty... my pride. I used to love to entertain in my house, now I don't want people to know where I live. We used to be the hangout house for kids, now I'm embarrased to have kids over. Oh well.
So, that's the dilemma... is it a step down? Yea, going from a house to an apartment is probably looked upon as a downgrade more than an upgrade. It sucks. I sure didn't feel like singing The Jeffersons theme "Well, we're movin' on up!" I live around some less desirables than I'd like. There are two bedrooms for four people, my son doesn't even have his own room. The place is small, the kitchen is 5x5, and so is the one bathroom for Me and 3 kids. I don't have a garage. I can't paint or redecorate or plant things. The kids don't like the trashy people that roam the parking lot or hearing the neighbors through the walls. But... I can afford it. And we stayed in the school district, and because of it my son will be going to one of the best colleges in the country next year. I'd like to think I won't be their forever either. I have plans, hopes, dreams. That's all I can do.
You just have to do what you can do. What's best for you and your children, spouse, parents, whatever the case may be. The most important thing is to really think it through and put your pride aside. Sometimes you may have to think of the short term, other times think it through to the long term. Make a list of options, pros and cons. And for the love of God, DO NOT move into someone your dating's place if you have kids, just because it's convenient! Eh, maybe if it's for a week, while you're in transition from one place to another or something, but Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, don't make relationship decisions based on saving on your cable bill! Seriously, please, just say no. Think it through. You may not have the best home, but you can take pride in knowing you are doing the best thing possible for you and your family (if that applies).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)