Thursday, August 16, 2012

I Know You Want My Underwear...

I was having a major case of writer's block the last few days.  So, I figured if I just start writing, it would flow.  That's what happens a lot, I start writing about one thing and it usually changes into another.  But as I was taking off my clothes to get in the shower, I realized... underwear is uncomfortable.  There's a blog.

(I know that paragraph was a bit of a non sequitor, but that's part of my charm.  :)  Consider it literary ADD.)

Anyway, so I'm getting undressed and my underwear drops to the bathroom floor and I look at it.  "Man that's uncomfortable, I'm glad to get that off", I think to myself.  (or maybe I actually said it out loud, it was early, I do that sometimes)  They were lacy boy shorts.  You know what those are right, kinda' boxy?  Although they were the sexy ones that are kind of cut in a V in the back, designed to have your buttcheeks hanging out the bottom?  Bottom butt cleavage, I guess some people think it's hot.  I just know it gives me a wedgie.  Top butt cleavage is just your crack, that's not sexy, and it feels breezy.

Does underwear make the man?   I mean woman...  or man,  no, er, uh whatever.

So I start thinking about women's underwear.  Why can't we just be like dudes?  You have, what... 3 types of underwear: tighty whities, boxers, and boxer-briefs?  Well then I guess there are jock straps too, but I really don't know anyone who wears them anymore (I have a son who plays sports), guys all wear those shorts with the built in pocket to place the cup.  Or if they just want mega support and to keep it from floppin', they just wear compression pants.  Sorry for the visual.  Oh wait, I guess I've seen thongs and bikinis for men too in catalogs.  But I'm assuming only male strippers wear those, so they don't really count.

But we broads have a wide assortment, most of which are extremely uncomfortable.  Tut, tut, tut, don't say it!  I'm sorry, I find any chick highly suspect if she finds thongs comfortable.  I call shenanigans on that.  I think you say it just so guys think you're hot.  I think men like the idea that we are somehow deriving sexual pleasure from a piece of fabric wedged between our buttcheeks all day.  Seriously, I think that's part of the allure for men.  Do you really think a piece of V shaped fabric between two bare asscheeks is sexy?  Well ok, maybe you do, but I think they also like the idea of the illusion of personal pleasure.  Whatever.  And don't talk to me about commando, I don't want my junk rubbing against rough jean seams and zippers and stuff, not to mention unsanitary.  Ouch and ew.

Hey I like to be sexy!  I'll fake comfort and wear that stuff.  But given my drothers, I'd rather don a big ole' comfy pair of cotton bikinis, that aren't too tight, aren't too loose, and stay in the right place, and I'm happy.  Sans wedge.

Which brings me to another tangent.  Women go through a lot of damn work and pain to make ourselves appealing to the opposite sex.  Yes, yes granted we elect to do it, but truth is, if we didn't.. we would be the cheese standing alone.  Not to mention, get passed up for jobs.  You know it's true.  Another fact is, you need to keep up with the Jones' in the appearance department.  Society is a cruel place.  It's judgemental.  So we have to dye our hair, wear makeup, do our fingers and toes, wear ridiculous shoes, waxing, uncomfortable clothing and undergarments, not age (via botox, collagen, surgery, etc.) and still have a smile on our face through it all.

And what do men have to do?  Not much.  Some do a little.  But let's face it, you can still be fat, bald and ugly and your woman will still love you because that's how we roll.  This isn't a man hating rant, it just seems the only thing you had to do was be charming and chivalrous and now that has even gone out the window.  And yes, I blame feminism and the sexual revolution a bit.  When I was doing online dating, it seemed men would just send out mass emails with such catchy lines as "Wanna' meet?"  or "Wanna' have sex?  Here's a picture of my junk.".  Actually that was pretty much the same thing in real life too.  With all the new media, who has to try? I guess, it's just a numbers game now?  Throw enough shit against the wall to see what sticks?  And when it comes to an actual date, there's not much "trying to impress" going on.  It's usually, here have a drink, and let's cut out the middle man of charming chit chat, let's go have sex.

I guess maybe I'm just bitter... or a realist.  Romance is dead.  Chivalry is dead.  Civility is dead.  Valuing character and non-artificial, girl next door looks, has gone the way of the dinosaur.  I want to go back to the days of when sexy lingerie was panties that went from your thigh to your rib cage and a bra that looked like a missile silo.  I miss ladies with arm hair and men that wore suits and hats on a date.  I wish I lived in a world where foreplay wasn't just your lover asking you to bend over.   Oh well, what can I do?  I'm stuck now keeping up with my waxing and dying and dieting... but I'll be damned if I'm goint to wear uncomfortable underwear!  Screw you, society!  I'm a rebel like that.


  1. Yeah I never ever wore the thongs..I'm like you they look uncomfortable..

  2. I started going "free range" some time ago. Underwear, who needs it?

    1. Free range? You let your balls roam around outdoors?

  3. I hope the underwear doesn't make the man. I wore Star Wars boxers the other day.

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