Thursday, August 9, 2012

A New Reality Show Based on My Cleavage

I don't know about you but I'm really freakin' sick and tired of total useless toolbags or dimwits being rewarded with TV shows, fame and money... just for being complete asshats!

I've been doing a lot of research while planning my next steps to take over the world refine and advance my career.  Looking at what's trending, figuring out how to brand myself.  Have you seen what's out there?  Jesus, Mary and Joseph it's a sea of vapidity, shallowness, low IQs, boorish, low class behavior and violent personalities.

It seems the United States has set the bar incredibly low for entertainment and celebrity.  I know there have been thousands of  blogs and articles and commentaries on all the craptastic useless reality stars and their low rent television shows.  But it goes for all forms of entertainment, TV, radio, books, magazines, blogs, theater. 

All they do on these TV shows is feature incredibly dim people like Swamp People and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, so we can laugh at them.  Which honestly I think is a little mean, but obviously the dim bulbs don't care as long as they are getting a paycheck.  Or they feature scantily clad ladies with bodies made by Mattel, like... picking dates or pulling hair (I don't even know what the plot of that Bad Girls Club is other than to have cat fights).  Or they show ridiculously rich people with their horrendous problems like so and so didn't invite so and so on the girl's trip to London.  F you!  That's a major traumatic problem in your life?  I'm insulted.  Try my life, ya' twatmonster, you wouldn't survive.

Books - "Fifty Shades of Grey"?  Really?  Do you realize how terrible this book is?  Dickens, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and Hemingway are probably rolling in their graves.  Horribly written.  And as a mature adult woman, I find the characters extremely offensive.  I don't know if offensive is the right word.  But the girl is everything that's wrong with women, and he's a controlling douchecopter.  Having been married to one, I see nothing sexy about this at all and it's the kind of thing that leads women to thinking it's sexy and adventurous to get involved with a bad boy.  Ok, not a bad boy, just an asshole.

Blogs?  Don't mean to sound like I'm better than anyone, but some of y'all just ain't funny.  Probably not anyone that reads this blog, because you all are smart and have good taste. :)  But I've seen some of the really popular blogs and it's just not funny, and the readers are acting like it's the most outrageous hilarious stuff ever, like when the blogger calls herself a hot mess.  Ok that term was so 5 years ago.  These people probably still laugh out loud to episodes of "Full House" and write ROFLMFAO to "I can haz cheezburger" memes.  (some are worth a chuckle, but c'mon)  Did I even write that acronym correctly?  I've never written it before in my life.

Theater - "Bring It On, the Musical"?  The cheerleading movie, really?   'nuf said.

So yea, I'm jealous.  Envious, jealous, whatever it takes.  I've worked hard, raised 3 very smart kids on my own after their Dad took off, and I work a few jobs.  I don't want to be poor anymore, I want that big paycheck.  I want to meet Andy Cohen!  I want to have a makeover and be dressed by a stylist.  F*ck yea, you bet I do!  So, what can I do?

I need an angle, a gimmick,  something to brand me.  No I don't want burning metal on my flesh, I mean to package and advertise me, make me a brand name.  What have I got that's special?  Humor?  Well maybe, I don't know, funny to some, not funny to others.  I'm mature yet hip?  Maybe, but I'm not uber hip, I couldn't critique club DJs for Rolling Stone or anything.  I'm not gorgeous, not hideous, but not gorgeous.  But I have been told I have a nice rack.  Even by the select few that have seen me naked said I have the boobs of a 25-30 yr old (hey at 47 that's a huge compliment) even after having 3 kids!  And yes, they are real.  My secret is, I didn't get them til I was about 40, they haven't had time to sag.  Well, maybe I had them before, I just didn't notice, I was modest.  I gained about 15 lbs and suddenly got ample bosoms.  And I have amazing bras.  You have no idea what a good bra can do.  ;)

So, that's it.  I will try to pitch every media outlet in the world to get a reality show for my rack.  A rack could have a reality show, right?  I mean, most shows are just about looking at racks anyway right?  Just cut out the middle man, don't need vapid girls with dumb premises, just feature my rack.  "Madge's Rack".



Oops, need to lighten it up, too emo, too much face in that one...


We could feature my boobs on a nice night out, a wacky date or something (too much plot?)...


My rack is even religious and attends church...


We can show my rack at work, writing...


We can show my rack eating my daily meals...



Take a look at  my rack doing daily housework... 



I would have to show facial expressions with my rack once in a while, ugh I'm not happy to see you...



Look at my rack, it's ready for a formal event...


Gratuitous full body bikini shot (no stunt double)...



And my rack, in a highly dramatic plot twist (the hand to the mouth is my signature pose, it means I'm demure, yet filthy)...  oh I forgot there are no plots in my show, well maybe a little...


And then I'll throw in something completely different once in a while so that the low brow folks have something to laugh at and relate to...


Well there ya' have it.  My new show, featuring my brand... my rack.  I could also write blogs, books, and radio shows centered around my rack.  Whattaya' think?  Hey if you're having trouble leaving a comment here, go to my Facebook page and leave a comment (you have to like it first) Madge's Adult Survival Guide Facebook Page .  Just waitin' for those offers to roll in now...

21 comments:

  1. I asked someone if they watch a lot of tv and they said no TV is a bunch of reality shows that suck, and the crime drama that captured our attention CSI and criminal minds once well written shows are all used up. Madges boobs? just as good as any of the reality shows, I told a chick i met I would buy her a nice bra and panty set but the Catch was i get to see her try stuff on and once she decided and bought i get to see that in private too. So I imagine that could be 2 or 3 episodes of Madges cleavage. i love the episode of Sienfield when george is staring at the daughters boobs while the director of tv show, catchs him "get a good look Constanza. FUN BLOG

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks, but I draw the line at private lingerie shows. And yes, I love that Seinfeld episode! haha

    ReplyDelete
  3. Very funny & would probably be a popular show. You wouldn't even need subtitles. -sandy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know, my cleavage mumbles... at least I speak English, unlike Honey Boo Boo!

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    2. so very sad!!

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  4. Madge, You're too good to be true?! I'd like to shake your hand one day. :-)

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  5. If Jim Carrey's ass can have a speaking part in "Pet Detective," then your rack ought to have a voice in a reality show.

    I wonder how the kids will like the Madge's rack action figure.

    Who am I kidding? Kids don't play with action figures anymore. It'll probably be a game ap.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You are rolling. A rack and thunder thighs!

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