Thursday, May 24, 2012

Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Just Like That Other Chick Across the Bar?

I recently read a blog here -- that was an open letter to husbands about looking at other women.  Which got that internal dialog going in me, or perhaps it was just voice hallucinations from my psychosis setting in.  Either way, whoever was in my head, it was pretty interesting.

According to this blog, apparently I'm not the only woman to have experienced a lifetime of men commenting on other women to a woman supposedly important to them.  I have one question:


Ok, I have more than one question, but that's a good start.  No wait, I suppose I should ask this first... is it just me?  Show of hands, how many of you ladies out their have experienced a man who you were either dating or had a close relationship with, make a comment to you about another woman?  For example, you are walking down the street with your boyfriend and he says, "Wow, she has great legs (or a butt or rack or elbow, whatever)".

Now this isn't a man bashing thing gentleman, I need your input too.  I can name you very specific incidentses (that was my tip to RHONJ Teresa Guidice and her ingrediences) as far back as I can remember of men pointing out other women's attributes.  The first concrete example I can remember is my Father... yes, my Father, pointing out to me that Mrs. SoandSo had great legs.  Ewwww, Dad I don't want to hear that!  Was he trying to get me to model myself after her?  Was he telling me my legs were fat?  Or was he just on his third Rye Presbyterian at the Elk's Club?  I just remembered for some reason it bothered me.  Maybe I thought it was a betrayal of my Mom or Me (weird Daddy issues here) or just too kinda' "sexual" for a 13 yr old to hear?  Probably not a betrayal of my Mom, he was always telling us she had a "nice Caboose" and that all of us girls got the "Madigan Trailer".  Ewww.

Ok, let's just move on from that, too creepy, makes me think maybe I need to see my therapist now.  Anyway, next we have my high school boyfriend.  In hindsight, he was incredibly respectful until the last few months of our relationship.  Near the end he was a Senior in HS, I was a Sophomore.  He started making crude remarks about women when we were watching TV, like "Oh baby, look at her".  Well, maybe not so crude, but he was making it obvious he was starting to look.  In retrospect, he was probably getting ready to go to college and telling me, "Hey baby, I'm lookin'", 'cuz that's what happened eventually.  Oh well.  :(

Then in my adult life, mostly post divorce, I was with (dated) men on several occassions that said things like, "God she has a great ass", "Oh my God, look at the rack on her", "She has really nice legs", "I'd like to bend her over", "That girl over there in the red top, I slept with her".  Yup.  I've heard it all.  Those were all actual comments.  Now you may think I have let incredibly crass men into my world.  Maybe.  But I also know I have the type of personality where people feel comfortable and I tend to end up "one of the guys".  That's my fault, I forget to remind men that I need to be treated like a lady.  But it's also fun to be "one of the guys" too... to a point.  If I start "adjusting myself" give me a smack.

Or perhaps they were just testing to see if I was bi-curious?  Yes, men I know this trick, comment on a girl and see if I will take the bait and say, "Oh yes, she is so hot, let's ask her to join us!".  Ummmm... no.  (If there was a new car for me involved, I'd think about it)  Nice try.

Again, not man bashing but I've never done it once in my life and I've never heard another woman do it.  I can't imagine saying to my boyfriend, "Oh my God that guy has a great butt".  Why would I?  I just don't go around checking out guys all the time, and why on Earth would I point it out to my boyfriend, that's just rude?  Only reason I can see would be... to be a dick, try and make him jealous.  Not my style, not a game player.

So, that's what I want to know... what gives?  What the hell is that all about with the pointing out other women?  Is it:

A.  A subtle hint that you are gaining weight and he wants you to look like "that" broad.
B.  A hint that he wants to bang somebody else?
C.  A sign that he feels comfortable with your raunchy humor and thinks he can kid with you.
D.  A test to see if you will have a threesome.
E.  He's just an insensitive ass.
F.  A chick-like move to test your feelings for them to see if you get jealous.

It's one thing to say, "That woman has a pretty dress, that would look great on you."  HA!  Who am I kidding, we all know that doesn't happen.  And it's another to be staring at and commenting on a chick with  a circus tent in your pants.  Are there any men that don't do this?  I'd like to know your thoughts, especially you dudes...


  1. These are the comments that stay in my head... "I'd like to wrap those long legs around me," about a co-worker, and "Trish looks hot today," about my best-friend and roommate. Both comments being 15 years ago, they obviously made an impact. Why these two and not most of the others? I have an issue with my height (I'm 5'7) because I have always wanted to be 5'10 (so my own insecurity), and I am pretty sure the best- friend one is self-explanatory, but her and I have totally opposite body types. I'm longer with barely any boob, and she is short with 40 DD's, all natural. So again, self confidence issues. Why did he say it? I figure a)men speak before they think, much of the time, and b) he was looking to get a rise out of me, in which he did... damn boys.

  2. I guess men are physical/visual/sexual beings and some just have no filter. lol

  3. I don't think I've ever had a significant other say that to me about another woman. Unless you count the one bad apple and he would only comment on women on the internet or TV. And even he would say, "But she's not as pretty as you are" or "See, she has a great build like you do" or something to that effect. Not excusing his behavior, but even he had some level of awareness about not praising another woman to his significant other without saying that the significant other was even hotter.

    I broke up with him anyway. Anyway, every other man I've dated has never said diddly squat about another woman. I've never even caught one checking out another woman. I mean, is it that hard to not whip your head around an ogle another woman?

    That makes me laugh. Maybe it is that hard for some men.

    1. Damn girl! Now you make me feel like I've only dated losers. :( Maybe they fear you. lol

    2. You can't tell me every single guy you have ever dated has done this? That would boggle my mind. I suppose the men I've dated did fear me if by "fear" you mean "fear that I would leave them if they acted that way." Then yes, totally. There is some shit I will not tolerate. With my history of self-esteem and body image issues, it's a deal breaker. I've worked too hard to feel good about myself. I'm not going to waste my time with someone who values someone else more than they value me. I would never do that to them. Ever. I feel we're here to lift each other up, not put each other down.

    3. Now, not every single one, but a few. But I guess I tend to date funny guys, smartasses who tend to crack jokes and I guess act like I'm one of the guys. :( I need to change that shit.

  4. Well, I'm glad I'm not the only one! And you obviously know my thoughts on the whole "guys are douches" subject because of that post you have referenced, and thank you, by the way. No, I'm not a man-hater. I quite like them, in fact. I just don't understand why they have to be so stupid sometimes, that's all.

  5. Well you know women do some dumbass stuff too, but I don't know how anyone can continue to do something after repeatedly being told not to.

  6. The answer is E. I have heard many of those comments from my own husband. And a couple times, I get pissed off enough to say, yeah....let me go get her number for you.

  7. Speaking as a guy (@churchofcrowley) I would say that it's a combination of C-because you did say that you're like one of the guys...and have at some point in your interactions with them allowed them to act this way around you. If you're dating them, then E. Any guy who would actively engage in that sort of behavior/asshatery around a woman he is supposed to care about is either a misogynistic pig (yes...I realize it's me saying this...that should give you some perspective) or so stupid as to be brain dead.

    Going back to the C part of this for a moment; there are women I am very good friends with I could/would and have said these types of things around. They are like one of the guys when we're all hanging out and they're OK with this. They respond in kind about guys they notice. I have other women friends who I would never even think about saying something like that around. They have, each and every one of them, set a precedent for how they are going to be treated by me and others. Either through their words or actions...or by their reaction to my words or actions.

    I know none of my friends (male) would or have done this to women. At least, not in my presence and I've not heard about it from their wives/girlfriends/hook-ups. So, take from it what you will. That's a literal one man focus group for you.

    1. So I train men to disrespect me... great. Oy.

  8. Never have done it, thought it, never said it out loud or got caught looking.
    Although I had a beautiful girlfriend who while sitting on the beach in Maui pointed out a woman and asked me, "she has a really nice butt, don't you think?"
    I replied, "yes I suppose, but not as nice as that one over there!"
    She never compared herself to another woman in front of me after that.

    1. Hmmmm, I would have probably punched you. lol NO, I'm glad she was smart enough to understand your response.

  9. I dated a lot of guys like that, too. Fortunately I didn't marry one like that. I think it's a combination of him being retarded, but some of it is also on us as women. I think I used to joke too much and try to act like one of the guys. I also think I didn't heed warning signs before I got together with a guy. In retrospect their insensitivity wasn't such a shock. And guaranteed if my husband said that to me now, I'd walk without trying to figure out why the hell he was saying/doing what he was. But this is a very important post, and I loved hearing you think about it!