Writing Prostitution, My First Book Review

I've been asked a few times to review books or products in my blog.  Until now I've been kind of avoiding that because, well I don't want to enter the world of "cheese blogging".  That's just my own little term that I coined.   It's the blogs that are more focused on generating views by giving crap away or talking about how great a cleaning product is for $50.  Cheesy.

See, I've been writing blogs since 2005.  I only blogged on Myspace for years and had a rather large following (shut up, it was cool back then).  Then I didn't write much for a couple of years and tried to get back in the swing a year or so ago.  But the reason I started my blog was to just write for me.  My jokes, my frustrations, my lessons learned, my raunchy humor, my passive-aggressive messages to  male readers that dumped me.  You know, the usual.  It was just me and my friends having a laugh or cry.  But in the last couple of years trying to make it as a real life paid writer, I've had to consider more factors in my blogging.

Yes, yes, I'll get to the book review, hang on...

There are all kinds of blogs and books and seminars out there that give you advice on how to  popularize and monetize your blog.  One of the big things is to "work for the man" and give away lots of items from companies, and review books and products for kick backs or mentions.  *sigh*

No offense to you folks that do it, but it seems really cheesy and hype-y and gets on my last nerve.  I think it takes away from the authenticity of the blog.  But hey, I realize people need to make a buck.  But it's just the way I'm programmed.  Ya' see, I went to college for broadcasting, and worked in TV and radio for 10 years but eventually left it behind because I realized it was being "run by the man".  I had delusions of grandeur visions of being a DJ and bringing the people the latest and greatest in punk and new wave and any other future sounds.  I soon realized it was all pre-programmed crap, that was ruled by back room deals made by music directors and record reps.  I couldn't even talk about what I wanted to on air, all I could say was, "You just heard the latest from Celine Dion and TLC, more music comin' up after this".  Boo, you suck!

Seriously, book review up next...

I'm all about keepin' it real in the streets, man.  Ok, I can't say that with a straight face.  But that's always been my thing.  I don't want to "sell out".  But... I have to make a compromise somewhere if I want to reach my goals.  *sigh*  That's why I look like a normal person now and not my shaved head, Doc Marten look of old.  However, no money has exchanged hands for this review, I myself am attempting to write a book, and figured it would be good karma to help other writers.

So, without further ado... I received an email asking me to take a look at a book and blog about it.  The book seemed rather adorable, so I agreed.  The book in question is "Catalog Living at Its Most Absurd -Decorating Takes (Wicker) Balls"  by Molly Erdman at www.catalogliving.net .  (PLUME, published by the Penguin Group, 115 pages)  When I received it I must say how impressed I was at the cover photography and slick production.  Usually some of these books look like they were put together in the copier department of Stapes, but this book is lovely.

The concept of the book is right up my alley... making fun of things.  The book features pictures taken from furniture/decorating catalogs, under the guise that they are all from the narrators, Gary and Elaine's home.  It features witty explanations of what's going on in the pictures, especially when there are inexplicable objects in the photo as we have all seen in magazines or catalogs.  For example:  There is a picture of a lovely contemporary living room with a coffee table, that has five apples lined up perfectly, precariously on the edge of said table.  The caption underneath reads, "Gary, the Fullers will be here any minute!  Did you evenly line up the apples on the coffee table yet?"

Other pictures just make fun of the odd or pretentious accouterments in the room.  One of my favorites is a living room that features a really large square clock with hands, the background is white and has the letters X, Y, and Z in black in random placement. (approximately where 10, 1, and 5 would be).  And the caption reads, "Half past Z?!  Elaine, I asked you to tell me when it was a quarter to Y!".

The book is a cute concept, is well put together with lovely production.  However, to suit my tastes, the captions would have been much more biting, irreverent, and profanity laced.  But that's just me.  No offense.  This is a lovely G rated version of sarcasm and worth a few chuckles.

I welcome you to visit the website listed above and check it out.

Phew.  Got through it.  Molly, perhaps you could give a review of my first review?  Or anyone else for that matter. 

Now that I'm becoming a writing prostitute, I welcome anyone else to ask me to review something.  However, ask at your own risk, if I'm in a mood I may "release the hounds"!  Smooches!

When Unrequited Love Becomes Requited Crap

All of us have some unrequited love goin' on.  Oh, balogna (that's such a dumb word, it should be baloni or baloney, but I guess it's like how capacola became "gobbagool", anyway...), you all have that one person you say, "what if?" about. 

Oh yea, the levels of intensity of the "love" vary.  It can be anything from the kid that used to mow your parents lawn that you never said two words to or it could be someone you dated a bit and the relationship got cut short for whatever reason.  It could be you thought your lover drank the poison but they were only sleeping, so you killed yourself.  Oh wait, you wouldn't be reading this then...

I've had many of these in my life.  Hey, I had a lot of crushes as a little girl, I'm not a ho.  There were a few boys from high school that I would have liked to date but couldn't because I had a steady boyfriend.  So, there's that.  Then I had the steady boyfriend that fizzled out when he went to college and I moved away.  In the early 80s there weren't cell phones, or Skype, or IMing to keep you together.  But I'm always curious to know how that relationship would have played out in our adult lives.

To requite or not to requite, that is the question!  I'm here to tell you... I've requited.  Yes, yes it's true.  Thanks to the internet, after my divorce I got down to brass tacks, went back to basics, put the cart before the horse... wait what?  Uh whatever, I ran across some blasts from the past.

There was the internet thing but a couple of times it revolved around high school reunions.  I'm telling you folks, you need to go to these things.  It's excellent for networking and dating.  So you had a bad time in high school?  Get over it, walk in with your head held high, and use those people for getting ahead in your world now!  Anyway, one of my run-ins was with a boy who was my "boyfriend" in 5th grade.  I broke up with him because he tried to give me a Minnie Mouse ring, and I knew if I came home with it my parents would ask where it came from, then they would know I had a "boyfriend", I would get an hour long lecture/screaming at  and my 11 year old self would never be let out of the house again until I was sent to the convent. 

Flash forward, I ran into that "boy" later in life and we eventually got together and had an amazingly awesome time.  But... it didn't get into a serious thing because we were geographically several states apart, I just got divorced, still had little kids, and he was still a raging never been married playboy.  lol  I took it at face value, I'm glad it happened.  And now he's married and kicking himself.  :)

However I had a couple others (Stop calling me a whore! These have taken place over 12 years!), that it, well it just was less than stellar.  That kiss you had waited 30 years for was like... "oh, that's it, that's what I waited for?".  Or that happy go lucky boy you had the crush on is now a neurotic mess and is starting to stalk you.  Um, yea.  I won't go into specifics but it just wasn't good, but overall I'm glad it happened.  Now I know.  I still have the fond memories of the younger crush but don't have the pangs of want.  Know what I mean?

Those were kind of fun but the ones that are more intense are the unrequited adult loves.  Oh, they can be so difficult...  Or not.  A difficult one was deciding to move back East when something was never totally finished out West.  The "or nots" can be disappointing or funny.  I remember running into a guy years later after I had gone on a date with him post divorce.  I thought he looked great.  We went out again in those later years and... I remembered exactly why I didn't want to go out with him again years before.  He was nice but very self-impressed with the personality of a bag of wet hair.  Another one, we never got intimate but had obvious sexual chemistry.  Years later we got intimate and it was what I imagine sex with a quadrapalegic with Tourette's Syndrome would be like.   Yes, that bad.  *heavy sigh*

But I had some others I haven't revisited and still wonder what if?  What if we both hadn't been just divorced and both been messes?  What if we didn't always run into each other when we were dating someone else?  What if your previous girlfriend hadn't found out she was pregnant by you?  (yea that happened)

I don't know.  I do like knowing the ending to the story.  I'm not a big fan of not knowing.  It's my anxiety.  I never could go to sleep on Christmas Eve.  Others will say not knowing is part of the fun, the fantasy.  That's why some people you meet online play games with you, they have no intention of meeting, they just like the fantasy of the hunt.  Weirdos.  I'm not kidding, those people exist.  What about you?

BTW, sometimes it will appear your comment has "vanished" after you hit submit, but it doesn't it takes you to the sign-in page, sign in (or register), then your comment will appear again and you just have to press submit again, the comment will show up with whatever identity you chose.  Thanks!

Share your requited love stories with me!

Why the Hell Did I Come Home?

I don't have much to say today but I thought I'd check in.  I don't even know what day it is.  I took the redeye from Seattle Tuesday night and arrived home yesterday (Wednesday) about noon.  I got absolutely no sleep on the plane.  It's virtually impossible for me to sleep in any kind of chair.  (I don't know how my parents did that in their living room chairs all those years waiting for my drunk teen tukus)  Then I napped a bit yesterday afternoon and then of course could 't sleep last night.  I'm all kinds of f-ed up.

So I didn't write last week because I was in Seattle.  The kids and I flew out and stayed at my sister's house because her daughter was getting married.  My lovely little niece.  All 5 of my siblings were there, and all but 1 of their kids were there, and 2 spouses were missing.  Oh and my parents couldn't make it, my Dad is 89 and has arthritis so bad he can't really get around much anymore, let alone sit in an airplane seat for hours.  And my Mom who is turning 86 next month has to stay and take care of him, he can't really be left alone.  So that was sad.  However a cousin of mine that I was really close to as a kid was there, hadn't seen him in about 16 years, we had a hoot.  But all of us there had a great time, enjoyed each other's company and as usual went through a boatload of wine and beer.

So I come back to all kinds of crap I have to do to finalize health records and loans for college. Having a hell of a time with my insurance, they say I have insurance from another company, which yes I did... in 2003, but still shows it's open.  That company went out of business and no one will call to cancel.  It's just a total clusterf**k.  So my current company put me on hold, whatever the hell that means.  Guess I'll be on the phone some more!  Well F*ck-a-doodle-doo!

Oh and did I mention today was my first day back to work and they told me at my one job they are eliminating my position and won't need me after Aug. 17th?  Yea that was a nice warm and fuzzy welcome back.  I knew it was coming sometime, its just a contract position but now is not an opportune time.  And it's 20 hours a week I'll have to replace. :( 

I might as well just bend over and grab my ankles... the hits just keep coming.  I haven't been crisis free in years, but I've been in major league life changing crisis mode for about 3 months straight now and it's getting a little tiring.  But I won't imagine it will calm down until end of August when my son is settled at college.  Wait strike that, school starts in September for the girls which means 3 Fall sports (1 plays soccer, 1 plays volleyball and cheerleading), then come the holidays, so pretty much I'm screwed until after New Years Day.

Well plenty of writing fodder, right?  Jesus, Mary and Joseph, stop this handcart ride to hell so I can get off!!! 

BTW, will write for food.  Ok I'd really rather write for a paycheck but ya' know, just hire me anyway.

Will blog again shortly.  'Til then, you all have a great day... (smarmy smile)

Which is Better, '80s College Drunks or '10s College Drunks?

One of my pet peeves in blogging or Facebooking or any other sort of internet posting is the person who gets stuck on one subject and beats us over the head with it.  I call it the "Kathie Lee Gifford Effect".  I don't know if any of you remember about 20 years ago when that Kelly show was called "Live with Regis and Kathie Lee"?  Well during that time Kathie Lee had a baby boy named Cody and the broad wouldn't shut up about him.  Regis even started giving her sh*t about it, like making gun to his head gestures every time she mentioned his name.

Anyway, I feel as though I may be on the verge of one of those people talking about my son and his graduation from high school and venture toward college.  I'm trying not to, really I am.  But ya' know, its kind of been the center of my life for the last couple months.  He's my oldest, I assure you by the time the 3rd one graduates I won't even mention it.  No just kidding, but if I take after my Mom it may be true... I was the 6th kid, there are virtually no pictures of me as a child.  lol

Well, since about this past Christmas I've been buying my son odds and ends for his new life at college.  For one thing, I'm broke-ass-broke, so buying things a little at a time is what I can afford.  And another thing, he loved getting all that stuff, he was ready to leave for college his junior year.  So he enjoyed getting a shower caddy and a set of towels for Christmas.  Then for his birthday in March he got a comforter and a hamper.  Hey screw you, he loved it!

Buying all those things got me to thinkin'... wow  college is different now.  I was using my college experience to figure out how I'm going to get all his stuff down to NYC, but I really don't think there will be that much.

Ok, think of this, when I was in college 1983-1987 I packed the following items into my parent's station wagon - a gigantic stereo with turn table, receiver, and tape deck with floor speakers that measured about 3 feet high; a 27" black & white TV (which was considered small back then); a boombox; a Typewriter; a couple milk crates of albums; a couple cases of cassette tapes.  But now all of that fits into one device, your laptop!  OK, somebody may still want to bring a TV and cds or dvds, but they are still far more compact. 

(actually I didn't bring the TV until later years, before that I would go to a friends room, because the TV lounge on the first floor was for the socially awkward and it was always tuned to "Solid Gold")

Then we used to bring a hotpot, really only good for Ramen noodles or a can of Spaghettios.  Which you usually had to throw away after a few uses because you started to make Spaghettios after your drunk ass came home from a fraternity party but you fell asleep while it was cooking  and the Spaghettios burnt to a crisp melded onto the pot .  Remember, drinking age was 18 back then!  And most chicks brought a hot air popcorn popper.  Now kids can take a small microwave.  I think that's pretty much a wash, 2 smaller for 1 bigger.

Hot Pot

I took a bike to school one year, it was still chained in the exact same spot that I put it in on move-in day, at the end of the year.  It would be a pain for my son to have a bike in NY, it's hazardous to bike there and then carrying it up 7 flights of stairs would cancel out any time saving, in my book.

Posters.  I had an extensive collection - The Smiths, Psychedelic Furs, The Clash, David Bowie, etc.  That was my baby, my pride and joy.  But I think dbag ex-husband left them behind as garbage in one of our moves.  Grrrr.  Anyway, do kids still put up the posters?   Oh yea and then my room started filling up with sorority souveniers anyway.

So what do college kids do now?  Sit around and play video games?  Watch YouTube videos?  Text people in the same room?  Hey, speaking of that, remember when we had to wait for a boy to call on that one hall phone that was meant for 20 people, but that one girl was always on it to her boyfriend back home?  Like seriously she was on it 24/7, I wonder what that phone bill looked like.  Anyway, do kids even speak to each other anymore or just text? 

It's kind of fun taking a walk down memory lane as I get the boy ready for college.  Things have changed, but a lot has not.  There will still be learning and studying, drinking, boy chasing, girl chasing, hearts breaking, friendships made for a lifetime.  I'm so excited for him. 

What do you remember taking to college or doing in college that would never be done nowadays?  Do you think kids today have more or less fun then we did back in the day?

Job Review for Bullied School Bus Monitor - Fail

Fasten your seatbelts because I'm gonna' be the douchebag today.  All buckled in?  I've got my helmet, Kevlar vest, and athletic cup on.  Ok, here we go...

I live in Rochester, NY, which is home to the suburb of Greece which spawned the viral video sensation of Karen Klein the bus monitor and the four foul mouthed moppets "bullying" her.  I thought the children were disgusting.  But it was obviously a game amongst them of "can you top this" with the most shocking and disgusting insult to Karen.  It was inexcusable, deplorable and those kids should be kicked off the bus permanently and made to deal with their angry parents who will have to take time out of work to cart their asses around.  As a parent I know that would be the most effective punishment for my kids.  Hell hath no fury like a parent who has to take time off of work for something that could be avoided.

(Working parents, tell me if you haven't asked the school nurse when they call you at work, "Is the temperature really that bad?"  "Well you stopped the bleeding already didn't you?" Because you all know time off work is money or co-workers or boss bitching about "Madge is always shirking her responsibilities because of her constant sick kids"  BS.  Damned if you do, damned if you don't.  I digress.)

Here comes the douchebag part...  How the hell does this warrant over $600,000 (last I checked) in reward to her for not doing her job?!!!!!  Yes, yes those kids were awful but she's the adult!  Isn't it a bus monitors job to keep order, not just ignore kids and sit in the seat and attempting to ignore them?  It was reported that this wasn't the first time this happened and she had never reported any of the bad behavior, which according to my research is part of her job duties.  Also, when I was a kid we couldn't even talk loud on the bus!  If there was a group of us getting a little rowdy, the bus driver would stop the bus and split us up.  Why the hell did this woman not tell them to stop talking and recording or she would report them?  Why did she not send them to four different seats far apart and tell them to behave? 

I'm not saying she asked for the money or is at fault for any of the money part, I'm saying it's kind of silly for people to donate to that cause.  I'm sure she's very nice, but this whole thing got blown waaaaay out of proportion.  As is everything that goes viral nowadays.  Hell we make celebrities out of little kids on anesthesia!  Give me a break.

I'm just saying, it takes two to Tango.  I understand a kid being bullied, they don't have the maturity to defend themselves.  But an adult?  Ok, so she's "old".  Last I checked 68 wasn't that old.  I have sisters in their 60s that are still running 10K road races and I'm sure would kick my ass if I got out of line.  And it's her God damn job to supposedly keep these kids in line or at the very least report them if they don't stay in line!  Hike up your polyester pants Karen, and lay down the law!

And where was the bus driver?!!!  I know he's busy driving the bus, but he could have pulled over the bus, I'm sure he heard the ruckus.  Or she could have at least told him to pull over and told the little cretins that the bus wasn't moving again until they cut it out.  They'd be pissed if she cut into their Xbox time!

I'm so tired of adults blaming the kids for the downfall of society.  Be the damn adult!  You have the control! 

I've read everyday in the news here locally that they have had rallies and receptions like she's some kind of freakin' hero!  I'm just kind of dumbfounded by the whole thing. 

So if we follow that logic, could you all start a fund for me because I had my ex-husband verbally and physically abuse me?  He was 6' tall and 220lbs of solid muscle, ex-hockey player (a defenseman goon to boot).  At least I had an excuse, I couldn't undo his monster death grips on my arm.  But I soon said enough and made him leave.  I took responsibility.  I understand some women get the crap beat out of them when they try to break it off, so it's easier to stay (in their mind).  I was really lucky the physical stuff didn't get to that level.  But I don't feel like anybody owes me squat.

I've had grown men in bars call me foul names because I rebuffed their advances.  Like really nasty stuff that I can't repeat.  If I didn't just leave, I'd tell the bouncer, that this guy was harrassing women and they'd escort him out.  Nipped in the bud.  Took control.

So yea, I'm a jerk.  I just don't see where that unfortunate incident garners a trip to the community chest for this woman.  It just goes to show you, America loves a good victim story.  Why do you think there have been so many stories in the news lately of people getting busted for faking cancer to get a financial windfall or free wedding?  Or why we hear of so many people getting scammed on the internet by those poor helpless millionaires in Nigeria that can't access their money?  Because they know we are suckers.  Which blows for the people that really are in need.

And I'll even take the douchebag one further... America loves a nice WHITE victim.  Poor nice white lady gets harrassed... America to the rescue!  Pretty suburban white girl goes missing... America to the rescue!  Black or hispanic child goes missing... America is too busy to pay attention.  Elderly non-white woman gets harrassed on the public bus everyday by young hoodlums... America could give a crap.

I know these are two separate issues, but seriously America, pay attention to the real injustices and let Karen Klein learn how to do her job figure out how to pay for her own damn vacation.  Be the adult.  Take control.

Let the hate mail begin...

Yes I Suck But Parenting is Not a Competitive Sport

I started following an account on Twitter this week that I really like, Sh*tty Mom.   Check it out.   It's a book coming out that I believe is written by two women, and oh how I relate to these women.  (if you want to follow me on Twitter, I'm @MadgeMadigan)

I must confess something...  I produced my first college scholarship winning child by being a crappy mom.  Also my two daughters are still in high school and middle school and are A students, and this is another result of my crappiness.

I frankly have no idea how this happened.  My son is going to NYU in an honors program in the Fall.  He's a wonderfully down to Earth, kind, polite, good athlete, funny as hell, talented in singing and acting, and very insightful.  I have two daughters (I hate to lump them together but they are very similar, see evidence of crappy momness) who are A students, good athletes, kind, polite, funny as hell, talented in singing, acting and art, and are very insightful (when not being hormonal). 

And what did I do?  Pretty much nothing.  The question should be more of what didn't I do?  Shall I list?  Yes, let me count my apathetic ways...

- I never once "made" any sort of foodstuffs for a birthday party, or school party, or Girl Scout shindig, or end of the season soccer party, or some such other convoluted self-esteem building event for children.  I tried to avoid having to do anything all together, but if I was forced to I opted to bring the paper products, ya' know plates, napkins, etc. 

- I never bought my kids anything that cost more than $40 for a present. 

- I never kept my house immaculate.  I'm usually apologizing for the mess when people come over.  I didn't get the housekeeping gene.  I mean, it's not like I'm a hoarder with 6 inches of animal feces and fast food wrappers on the floor.  But there's always stuff around, backpacks, books, magazines, some dust, evidence that we are living.  After a while I become oblivious to it.  I guess I wish an unkempt house bothered me a little more but it just doesn't.  *hangs head*

- I never thoroughly enjoyed playing with my kids outside.  Sometimes I did, but a lot of times I sat in a chair while they ran around.  I'm sad I didn't have the energy to frolic through a meadow with them as if we were in a detergent commercial, but at least I was there.  Albeit sometimes I was texting or talking on the phone but hey, I was supervising.

- I didn't go to every single one of my kid's sporting events.  I almost did!  But sometimes there were three at once and it was just impossible.  Other times I couldn't get out of work.  Other times I was just too drunk.  NO!  I'm kidding.  Just seeing if you were paying attention...

- I've never caught up on laundry.  Almost everyday my kids are pulling the clothes they want to wear out of the laundry basket of clean clothes I just brought up from the basement but haven't bothered had time to fold.

So yea, I suck.  But the truth is a lot of us Moms suck.  And ya' know what?  It's ok.

Sure we all suck compared to June Cleaver, Donna Reed, or Carol Brady.  Hmmm, are those references too dated?  Have there even been any "perfect moms" on TV in the last 25 years?  I don't know, wasn't the mom on Home Improvement kind of perfect-y?  Anyway.  The point is, it's a different world but women still have the "Super Woman" complex.  We feel we need to be all things to all people.  Let's face it, women can be a wicked competitive lot.  And then sometimes women make stupid choices because of what they feel are the more important successes that should be noticed.

Why was I a slacker in all of those areas?  Because I was a divorced Mother of 3 children for 10 years, with an ex who I couldn't depend on, and I had to work to support the four of us.  And any job I've ever had has never paid more than $36k/year.  I couldn't afford much of anything that's why I tried not to volunteer to bring stuff.  Crappy I know, but I wasn't going to spend money I didn't have just so I looked good to the other Moms.  I didn't blow my money on expensive things for the kids just to look good either.  I did my share when we all had to pitch in, but I was always praying that we were done with soccer games before they got to my name on the snack list.  What the hell do kids need a snack for?  They won't starve before they get home.  I played plenty of sports and I never collapsed from malnourishment in the time it took to leave the school and arrive at home.

I didn't enjoy playing with the kids all the time because I was damn tired from working and being both parents.  I didn't clean like a motherhucker because I was tired and I thought my time would be better spent sitting down and talking to my kids and helping them with their homework and feeding and cleaning them.

Basically I had to pick and choose how my time and money were best spent.  I would have loved to bring fabulous baked goods to all their gatherings but I resolved myself to the fact that I'd rather people know me for my awesome kids than my awesome cookies.  Don't get me wrong, I do know women who have great kids and great cookies... and I envy them.  But I do know they might be lacking in other areas, say maybe they ignore their spouse in order to make good cookies.  Look ladies, we just can't be all things to all people so don't beat yourself up over it.  Do the best you can do but try to put the kids first.  It used to bother me that I couldn't be perfect but now I freely admit that I'm... craptastic!

My Date With a Serial Killer

It's probably not a wise idea to determine that you want to go forward with something just because you don't want to do the alternative ever again.  Like deciding to quit high school because you never want to take a test again.  That's stupid in the long run, know what I mean?  Besides, you'll be "tested" all your life, dumbass.  Pull up your skirt, Sally and get back to work.

So should someone decide to get married just because they never want to date again?  I've actually heard that decision announced before.  Now having been married before and had a long period of dating post divorce, I'm tempted to go hide in the confines of marriage after what I've encountered.

What got me thinking was going out for my birthday this week to a restaurant that's hot with the middle age single crowd.  I soon noticed it was all the exact same lame-os  people that were there three years ago the last time I was single.  Then I started to stroll down memory lane, taking inventory of all my dating exploits as an adult.  I'm surprised none of my dates has shown up on America's Most Wanted as a psychotic serial killer.  I can think of one in particular...

It was probably 8, 9, 10 years ago (I forget, I've blocked it out) I was living in Denver and regularly doing the Match.com thing.  This isn't an "all people online are crazy" thing, I met a few rather nice fellows, this one  just happened to be a shit show.  I started exchanging emails with a decent looking, charming, stylish gentleman a few years older than me.  Now, once I start to tell you his details you will probably think, "Madge how could you possibly believe this asshat?!"  Now mind you details were leaked slowly as if he was a natural gas leak.

Some details escape me like if he had been married or had kids, but I do remember he said he didn't live around Denver, he only visited occasionally for business.  Then there was something about owning a vineyard somewhere and had a wine label.  Now that is not entirely impossible as there are thousands of small wineries in this country.  Eventually he tells me he was orphaned as a child as both of his parents died in a car accident when he was a baby.  It could happen.  Then something about being taken in by an Italian couple... I'm also remembering something about sending a baby up a river in a basket with a Hebrew slave cloth, but I might just be confused, it was a while ago.  He said he spoke Italian but I soon realized he only ever seemed to throw out the same 4 or 5 Italian words.

The lies got more elaborate, as the couple turned into wealthy Italians who lived part-time in Europe and he had or would be inheriting all this stuff.  Anyway, the more suspicious lies were coming out after I agreed to meet.  I think I just met him in person just to see what would happen with the stories.

So we meet at a local hotspot.  He walks up to me and he looks somewhat like his pics but you could tell they were from several years earlier.  For those that know, he looked just like  Rich Wakile from Real Housewives of New Jersey:

He wasn't terrible looking and he had some expensive-looking European clothes.  So we sit down and he orders a Maker's Marker for himself and me a Bombay Sapphire and tonic.  He keeps stressing how he's not from around these parts.  He slams his drink and quickly orders another one for himself and me.  Um, I had barely taken a sip of the first one you ordered me. 

As conversation goes on, I start to question his stories.  It seems I'm calling him out a little.  He appears a little agitated and takes me out on the dance floor.  As we are out amongst the crowd, all these folks keep saying hi to him and giving big hugs and kisses.  Um, thought you didn't know anyone?  He said he met them on his trips here.  Then I'm starting to eavesdrop, because everytime a person would come by he would turn away to have a conversation.  This is when I started to hear things like "Have you found a job yet?", "Everybody back where you work at blah blah down the street misses you", "Hey, how's your brother?".  I was furious, yet humiliated I fell for it.  However, I didn't really "fall" for anything, I kinda' knew, but it was like a car wreck, I wanted to go look to see if there were any survivors.

We go back to the table he immediately orders another drink, as I have two unfinished.  When the drink came, I said, "We'll have the check", because I knew the "date" would be ending after I said my peace.  I had a big smile and said, "Ya' know I heard all of your conversations, I know everything you told me was a lie".  I didn't even get mad, I tried to let him off the hook.  But do you know what the m*****f***er does?  He starts yelling at me about.. what, I don't remember because I was busy picking my jaw off the floor.  Something about me being a bitch and negative and thinking I'm too good... then he slams his drink down his throat, throws the bill at me and stomps out.

Yes, scumbag leaves me with a 40 something dollar bill and a bag of bullsh*t.  I was mad about him inhaling drinks and stiffing me.  No not that, I meant sticking me with the bill.  But I could do nothing but laugh and shake my head and wonder what he was thinking.  Maybe he was so depressed about his life he wanted to pretend to be someone else for a while.  That seems to happen a lot on the interwebz.  How long did he think he could ride these stories?  It's like people showing up to a date 100 lbs heavier than their online pics, do they think you'd be blinded by their stellar charm?  But I take responsibility for getting duped, well not duped because I was skeptical to begin with.  Let's just say curious.  However for the future, I don't recommend going out with someone if you think they're lying, it could be dangerous.  Obviously he had a temper, it could have ended worse.

But should I take a dive into the security of marriage just because I don't want to deal with the prospect of that happening again?  Probably not a wise idea.  Yea, lots of widows back in the day used to just marry a guy to get health insurance again even though she knew he beat her kids.  Eh, what are ya' gonna' do?  What you should do is weigh all sides equally, good and bad and make a sound decision.  And have the balls to face stuff you don't really want, don't go hide under your security blanket as an alternative.  You're gonna' have a few thorns amongst the roses.