My Date With a Serial Killer

It's probably not a wise idea to determine that you want to go forward with something just because you don't want to do the alternative ever again.  Like deciding to quit high school because you never want to take a test again.  That's stupid in the long run, know what I mean?  Besides, you'll be "tested" all your life, dumbass.  Pull up your skirt, Sally and get back to work.

So should someone decide to get married just because they never want to date again?  I've actually heard that decision announced before.  Now having been married before and had a long period of dating post divorce, I'm tempted to go hide in the confines of marriage after what I've encountered.

What got me thinking was going out for my birthday this week to a restaurant that's hot with the middle age single crowd.  I soon noticed it was all the exact same lame-os  people that were there three years ago the last time I was single.  Then I started to stroll down memory lane, taking inventory of all my dating exploits as an adult.  I'm surprised none of my dates has shown up on America's Most Wanted as a psychotic serial killer.  I can think of one in particular...

It was probably 8, 9, 10 years ago (I forget, I've blocked it out) I was living in Denver and regularly doing the Match.com thing.  This isn't an "all people online are crazy" thing, I met a few rather nice fellows, this one  just happened to be a shit show.  I started exchanging emails with a decent looking, charming, stylish gentleman a few years older than me.  Now, once I start to tell you his details you will probably think, "Madge how could you possibly believe this asshat?!"  Now mind you details were leaked slowly as if he was a natural gas leak.

Some details escape me like if he had been married or had kids, but I do remember he said he didn't live around Denver, he only visited occasionally for business.  Then there was something about owning a vineyard somewhere and had a wine label.  Now that is not entirely impossible as there are thousands of small wineries in this country.  Eventually he tells me he was orphaned as a child as both of his parents died in a car accident when he was a baby.  It could happen.  Then something about being taken in by an Italian couple... I'm also remembering something about sending a baby up a river in a basket with a Hebrew slave cloth, but I might just be confused, it was a while ago.  He said he spoke Italian but I soon realized he only ever seemed to throw out the same 4 or 5 Italian words.

The lies got more elaborate, as the couple turned into wealthy Italians who lived part-time in Europe and he had or would be inheriting all this stuff.  Anyway, the more suspicious lies were coming out after I agreed to meet.  I think I just met him in person just to see what would happen with the stories.

So we meet at a local hotspot.  He walks up to me and he looks somewhat like his pics but you could tell they were from several years earlier.  For those that know, he looked just like  Rich Wakile from Real Housewives of New Jersey:

He wasn't terrible looking and he had some expensive-looking European clothes.  So we sit down and he orders a Maker's Marker for himself and me a Bombay Sapphire and tonic.  He keeps stressing how he's not from around these parts.  He slams his drink and quickly orders another one for himself and me.  Um, I had barely taken a sip of the first one you ordered me. 

As conversation goes on, I start to question his stories.  It seems I'm calling him out a little.  He appears a little agitated and takes me out on the dance floor.  As we are out amongst the crowd, all these folks keep saying hi to him and giving big hugs and kisses.  Um, thought you didn't know anyone?  He said he met them on his trips here.  Then I'm starting to eavesdrop, because everytime a person would come by he would turn away to have a conversation.  This is when I started to hear things like "Have you found a job yet?", "Everybody back where you work at blah blah down the street misses you", "Hey, how's your brother?".  I was furious, yet humiliated I fell for it.  However, I didn't really "fall" for anything, I kinda' knew, but it was like a car wreck, I wanted to go look to see if there were any survivors.

We go back to the table he immediately orders another drink, as I have two unfinished.  When the drink came, I said, "We'll have the check", because I knew the "date" would be ending after I said my peace.  I had a big smile and said, "Ya' know I heard all of your conversations, I know everything you told me was a lie".  I didn't even get mad, I tried to let him off the hook.  But do you know what the m*****f***er does?  He starts yelling at me about.. what, I don't remember because I was busy picking my jaw off the floor.  Something about me being a bitch and negative and thinking I'm too good... then he slams his drink down his throat, throws the bill at me and stomps out.

Yes, scumbag leaves me with a 40 something dollar bill and a bag of bullsh*t.  I was mad about him inhaling drinks and stiffing me.  No not that, I meant sticking me with the bill.  But I could do nothing but laugh and shake my head and wonder what he was thinking.  Maybe he was so depressed about his life he wanted to pretend to be someone else for a while.  That seems to happen a lot on the interwebz.  How long did he think he could ride these stories?  It's like people showing up to a date 100 lbs heavier than their online pics, do they think you'd be blinded by their stellar charm?  But I take responsibility for getting duped, well not duped because I was skeptical to begin with.  Let's just say curious.  However for the future, I don't recommend going out with someone if you think they're lying, it could be dangerous.  Obviously he had a temper, it could have ended worse.

But should I take a dive into the security of marriage just because I don't want to deal with the prospect of that happening again?  Probably not a wise idea.  Yea, lots of widows back in the day used to just marry a guy to get health insurance again even though she knew he beat her kids.  Eh, what are ya' gonna' do?  What you should do is weigh all sides equally, good and bad and make a sound decision.  And have the balls to face stuff you don't really want, don't go hide under your security blanket as an alternative.  You're gonna' have a few thorns amongst the roses.