My Date With a Serial Killer

It's probably not a wise idea to determine that you want to go forward with something just because you don't want to do the alternative ever again.  Like deciding to quit high school because you never want to take a test again.  That's stupid in the long run, know what I mean?  Besides, you'll be "tested" all your life, dumbass.  Pull up your skirt, Sally and get back to work.

So should someone decide to get married just because they never want to date again?  I've actually heard that decision announced before.  Now having been married before and had a long period of dating post divorce, I'm tempted to go hide in the confines of marriage after what I've encountered.

What got me thinking was going out for my birthday this week to a restaurant that's hot with the middle age single crowd.  I soon noticed it was all the exact same lame-os  people that were there three years ago the last time I was single.  Then I started to stroll down memory lane, taking inventory of all my dating exploits as an adult.  I'm surprised none of my dates has shown up on America's Most Wanted as a psychotic serial killer.  I can think of one in particular...

It was probably 8, 9, 10 years ago (I forget, I've blocked it out) I was living in Denver and regularly doing the Match.com thing.  This isn't an "all people online are crazy" thing, I met a few rather nice fellows, this one  just happened to be a shit show.  I started exchanging emails with a decent looking, charming, stylish gentleman a few years older than me.  Now, once I start to tell you his details you will probably think, "Madge how could you possibly believe this asshat?!"  Now mind you details were leaked slowly as if he was a natural gas leak.

Some details escape me like if he had been married or had kids, but I do remember he said he didn't live around Denver, he only visited occasionally for business.  Then there was something about owning a vineyard somewhere and had a wine label.  Now that is not entirely impossible as there are thousands of small wineries in this country.  Eventually he tells me he was orphaned as a child as both of his parents died in a car accident when he was a baby.  It could happen.  Then something about being taken in by an Italian couple... I'm also remembering something about sending a baby up a river in a basket with a Hebrew slave cloth, but I might just be confused, it was a while ago.  He said he spoke Italian but I soon realized he only ever seemed to throw out the same 4 or 5 Italian words.

The lies got more elaborate, as the couple turned into wealthy Italians who lived part-time in Europe and he had or would be inheriting all this stuff.  Anyway, the more suspicious lies were coming out after I agreed to meet.  I think I just met him in person just to see what would happen with the stories.

So we meet at a local hotspot.  He walks up to me and he looks somewhat like his pics but you could tell they were from several years earlier.  For those that know, he looked just like  Rich Wakile from Real Housewives of New Jersey:

He wasn't terrible looking and he had some expensive-looking European clothes.  So we sit down and he orders a Maker's Marker for himself and me a Bombay Sapphire and tonic.  He keeps stressing how he's not from around these parts.  He slams his drink and quickly orders another one for himself and me.  Um, I had barely taken a sip of the first one you ordered me. 

As conversation goes on, I start to question his stories.  It seems I'm calling him out a little.  He appears a little agitated and takes me out on the dance floor.  As we are out amongst the crowd, all these folks keep saying hi to him and giving big hugs and kisses.  Um, thought you didn't know anyone?  He said he met them on his trips here.  Then I'm starting to eavesdrop, because everytime a person would come by he would turn away to have a conversation.  This is when I started to hear things like "Have you found a job yet?", "Everybody back where you work at blah blah down the street misses you", "Hey, how's your brother?".  I was furious, yet humiliated I fell for it.  However, I didn't really "fall" for anything, I kinda' knew, but it was like a car wreck, I wanted to go look to see if there were any survivors.

We go back to the table he immediately orders another drink, as I have two unfinished.  When the drink came, I said, "We'll have the check", because I knew the "date" would be ending after I said my peace.  I had a big smile and said, "Ya' know I heard all of your conversations, I know everything you told me was a lie".  I didn't even get mad, I tried to let him off the hook.  But do you know what the m*****f***er does?  He starts yelling at me about.. what, I don't remember because I was busy picking my jaw off the floor.  Something about me being a bitch and negative and thinking I'm too good... then he slams his drink down his throat, throws the bill at me and stomps out.

Yes, scumbag leaves me with a 40 something dollar bill and a bag of bullsh*t.  I was mad about him inhaling drinks and stiffing me.  No not that, I meant sticking me with the bill.  But I could do nothing but laugh and shake my head and wonder what he was thinking.  Maybe he was so depressed about his life he wanted to pretend to be someone else for a while.  That seems to happen a lot on the interwebz.  How long did he think he could ride these stories?  It's like people showing up to a date 100 lbs heavier than their online pics, do they think you'd be blinded by their stellar charm?  But I take responsibility for getting duped, well not duped because I was skeptical to begin with.  Let's just say curious.  However for the future, I don't recommend going out with someone if you think they're lying, it could be dangerous.  Obviously he had a temper, it could have ended worse.

But should I take a dive into the security of marriage just because I don't want to deal with the prospect of that happening again?  Probably not a wise idea.  Yea, lots of widows back in the day used to just marry a guy to get health insurance again even though she knew he beat her kids.  Eh, what are ya' gonna' do?  What you should do is weigh all sides equally, good and bad and make a sound decision.  And have the balls to face stuff you don't really want, don't go hide under your security blanket as an alternative.  You're gonna' have a few thorns amongst the roses.

Idiot Parents and Psycho Kids, Does Not a Good Family Make

Be prepared for controversy today.  I know some of you may have strong opinions on this one, but hear me out...

I was listening to a really crappy morning radio show the other day during the daily kid shuttle, only because every other station was on commercial break.  I was also curious as to what was so great about this morning crew of which people raved.  The answer was: nothing.  But I can now give an educated opinion that they suck.  I digress.  They were talking about a guy who had been shot in the city in front of some kids, which lead to why were the kids out with no supervision anyway?  (which I didn't see how that had anything to do with the murder, the guy was down the street and someone shot him)  So the clueless hosts started to rant about the lack of good parenting in urban homes.  Oy, why not just pull out some racial slurs while you're at it?  So the insipid male host went into full on rant mode emphatically stating that all children would be best raised by 2 parents.  That would be a Mom and a Dad.

*Ahem*

He ranted on and on that there would be less crime if there were two parents and more supervision in the home.  Let me just point out one small detail that Insipid Host Guy missed -  if said supervision is a moron, it won't necessarily produce better behaved offspring.

Let me present a few different scenarios.  Now, this isn't a big ole pro-gay parenting rant, don't get your pre-conceived panties in a bunch, I'm just pro-good parenting... just let me present these facts....


* Lyle and Erik Menendez were raised by two wealthy suburban married hetero parents.  (For those too young for the reference, these fine boys were convicted of murdering their parents in 1989)


* I have 3 children and they have a lot of friends and know who does what at school.  Most of the kids that are perpetually in trouble at school come from two parent hetereo homes.


* My older daughter has a classmate who is a boy raised by two moms.  He's 15, star athlete, A student, well mannered, very masculine and dates girls.  I guess the gay agenda to raise a new generation of all gay, all the time failed there, huh? 


* I know some single hetero moms that are raising kids that haved dropped out of high school and are doing nothing but smoking pot and playing video games.  (the kid, not the mom)


* I know two parent hetero homes that have perfectly nice, smart children, but wouldn't know how to withstand a crisis or make a decision if their life depended on it. 


*  George Washington, first president, Founding Father, highly revered symbol of this country... was raised by a single mother.  (his Father died when he was 11)


*  Oprah Winfrey, the most successful and wealthiest female media mogul ever, was raised by several different people.  First by her single teen Mother, then her Mother and Grandmother, then just her Grandmother, then by the man she thought was her biological Father, then she ran away from home for a while, then moved back with Mom.


*  I know a local kid who was raised by two Moms (one Mom was biological via sperm donor), but by junior high the Moms seperated.  Both Moms are attorneys.  So then that made him a child of gay divorced parents, living between two homes.  He was a nice smart kid when he was little, now he's a slacker pothead hanging around with the kind of dirtbag crowd, who I'm not sure is even going to college.


*  A friend had a child with her first husband, he ran off and later she remarried.  The child has been raised by Step-Dad as if it was his own.  The child is well mannered, successful college graduate living in NYC.


* Shania Twain, a perfectly nice successful country singer was physically abused by her Step-Father.


*  President Bill Clinton was first raised by two parents, then Father died so it became a single parent home, then mother remarried and he was beaten up often by his Step-Father.  Although his treatment of females is questionable, he did become POTUS.

*Charles Manson was born to an unwed 16 year old runaway sometimes prostitute who kept trying to pawn him off to orphanages, relatives or other random people, having once traded him to a childless waitress for a pitcher of beer.  And we all know what happened to him...

*  Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold who committed the Columbine High School Massacre in 1999 were both raised in suburban hetero two parent homes.


*  And finally... me.  I have 3 children, got divorced when they were all under 7.  Later Dad disappeared completely, and left us destitute.  I didn't have any romantic relationships the first 9 years of  being divorced.  I work full time but still qualify for food and medical aid.  My oldest is graduating from a top all boys prep school and going to NYU next year.  My girls are both A students, good athletes, well mannered and go to a good all girls school.


My point?  Not sure, I started off thinking good parenting was the key, but some of my scenarios have proven otherwise.  There is no perfect formula for raising non-troubled children.  I'm not married but I'd say my kids are pretty good so far, but should I run out and get married just because Bristol Palin said my kids should have a Mom and Dad?  Which we all know is idiotic because she was an unwed teen mom who pushed her baby-daddy out of the picture.  WTF?

And that whole sanctity of marriage thing?  With people choosing purposely to have babies out of wedlock, the divorce rate for first marriages is (approx.) 50%, second marriages 67%, and third marriages 75%, I'd say that sanctity was shot to hell along time ago.

At first I thought the only thing to ensure decent kids is to not be an idiot, but I've seen offspring of idiots turn out well.  And I've seen children of nice people become deeply troubled.  However, I still don't recommend being an idiot parent like, oh say, the "Tan Mom" Patricia Krentcil.  But who knows her kids could turn out to be rocket scientists.  Not likely, but ya' never know.

Well hell, now I'm more confused than when I started this blog.  Is parenting just luck or chance?  Nah.  Um... maybe?  However I'd say it's safer to be a good parent than not.  All I know is that there is no magic formula like some would have you believe of having a two parent hetero home.  I am certain that the family dynamic does not pre-determine the success of the child.  Neither terrible parenting nor problematic children are exclusive of any one race, socio-economic group, sexual orientation, or living situation.  So... good luck with that.

Let me know what you think, is there a formula for parenting?