Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Is Your Relationship MIA, POW, or DOA?

When do you call it quits in a relationship?

Call it... time of death on this relationship,3:42pm.

I've been thinking about this because during the past year, I've been going through the process of an annulment.  I've been divorced for 11 years, but I've been thinking about the future and what if I want to get married in the church again.  Or who knows maybe it's my way of getting in the last word with my ex since he disappeared with a final F-U from the church?

It's a very intense, invasive process.  You have to tell your story over and over and over again.  Relive all the pain.  All to see if your relationship was non-existent, no connection, too volatile or one sided.  Then they make you have witnesses who have to write up their stories on your relationship and hand them in.  Now they're trying to extort more money from me by saying they need a professional psychological evaluation of the situation.   Really, how much more proof do you need than 5 people's testimony that the husband was a raging alcoholic and bi-polar?  Oy.

Now don't get all "organized religion is bad" on me.  That's not the point here.  My point is, in replaying everything I think there's times I should have left early on before anymore kids were born, but then I wouldn't have had these fabulous babies I have.  So no sense in rehashing that.  But then I think should I have stayed longer?  No, I think I got out just in time, I think things were going to escalate into serious domestic violence on his part.  I was a prisoner not a wife.  Is there ever a right time to end a relationship?  I think more often then not, people over stay their welcome, just to make sure it's really not going to work.

It's like going to a shoe store, you fall in love with a pair of shoes, you try them on but they don't fit.  So you try them on again.  Still don't fit.  Go look around in the dress section, come back, shoes still don't fit.  Go look at purses, come back, try to ease your foot in ever so gently, tenderly, lovingly... shoes still don't fit.

Get my drift?  Should you have bagged it after first try?  Maybe, but you do love those shoes.  After the second try?  Probably.  Are you wasting valuable time in persistently going back to those shoes, when you could be moving on to other purchases?  Maybe.  Only you know...  and the Catholic church, apparently.  Obviously  they are the only other people to know when and how a marriage should be declared ripe for never having existed.  I really hope they don't read this, my annulment will be screwed.  Oh well, I think I know that I made the right decision at the right time for me.  What good does it do to second guess?  Maybe something?  I don't know...


  1. perfect shoe analogy. :) and, you did. right decision, right time, because i say so, and strangers always know best.

    good luck.

  2. I don't think this would screw the annulment process if they read it. I think it would more likely help you. I think the whole purpose of their strategy, when considering a normal divorce process, is to really make you examine the relationship to make sure you've given it your all. Though 11 years later is a bit much...

  3. What do you mean by 11 years later is a bit much? On my part or the church's part?

  4. Great blog Madge. I had never read your blogs before and I really liked this although it touches on a dark subject so to speak. Your shoe analogy is perfect because what I can tell is that while the shoes looked good on the outside they became more and more uncomfortable the longer you had them.

    Far be it for me to comment on your personal relationship but it sounds like it was a particularly nasty one and worse still, is the financial and emotional drain that a divorce can have on an individual. It can be a gross invasion of privacy especially if it gets nasty and one partner becomes spiteful. I suppose that this is why so many people tend to eschew the whole concept of marriage in favour of co-habitation although, at least in England, they are coming through with a whole hots of laws that will pretty soon elevate that status to the equivalent of marriage the way things are going especially when there are kids involved..

    As for when to call a relationship quits? I do not know and I think that it all depends on the individual as situations vary and there is no real uniformity on that issue

  5. I think people often overstay in relationships. Unfortunately, when you are inside, you see little of what others see from the outside.


  6. Just so you know, I have shared your blog with friends here:

  7. I read once, from a professional no less, that during a breakup we grieve the loss of our dreams more than the loss of the relationship with that partner. I've found this to be true in my life on more than one occasion. That's why it's hard to finally do the breakup. Believe it or not, some of us men have the dream of living happily ever after too :)

    1. That makes perfect sense, Fraz. And I know you men have dreams too. :)

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