Monday, June 20, 2011

Do They Still Make Geritol?

I really hate it when people make aging jokes.  I just think it's stupid.  I groan standing up and somebody says "Easy Grandma!"... I want to say "How about I give you a Grandma
Foot right in the ass?".  Oh wait, keep this clean, right...  Well, that's what I feel like, ok, so sue me!

But there is a time when reality hits.  Or as my eye doctor calls it "natural progress".  I don't feel all old and stuff but I'm just having a hard time accepting that it is "about that time" for certain things.  I hit 46 and it's like the day after the warranty expires, everything goes.  Like getting fat.  My metabolism has just come to a screeching halt.  I've gained 20 lbs in the last year, gradually.  I don't eat any more than I did; I've just stopped processing stuff apparently.  I did have some tests done and my doctor found I was taking to much thyroid medicine so that may have an effect.  She reduced my dosage, so that will take care of it.  But either way, fat or thyroid, I've got old people problems!

I just got bifocals a few weeks ago.  Shut it!

I color my hair to cover the grey.  Meh, ok, who doesn't color their hair these days?

I had to go to the colorectal surgeon today because I've been having issues.  See?!  See?!  Ya' see what I mean?  Guess who all the people in the waiting room were?  That's right, old people!  I was the only person under 70 in there!  And talk about humiliating, oy!  Have you ever been to one of these doctors?  They make you bend over a table!  Everything is ok (minor issue) so far, subject to further probing next month, but damnit...  I'm not ready for this stuff yet!

By the way, who in God's name would choose that specialty?  It's bad enough you have to go spelunking in the waste factory all day, it's usually on decrepit old people or morbidly obese people.  I wonder if when the doctor's working on huge people that nurses have to stand on either side and hold the tent flaps up?  Too much?  Yea, sorry...

Anyway, it's just... in my brain I'm still, um I don't know, about 28.  Ok, a lot of times I feel like that carefree 14 year old I was or even that 6 year old with separation anxiety.  Sometimes I need to look in the mirror for a reality check.  Yea, I know it's "you're only as old as your feel" and all that hype, but no Virgnia, there isn't a Santa Claus and my knees do have an expiration date! 

Yes, yes I will keep up that youthful spirit, as I try to keep the invasive scopes to a minimum, but I am human.  I will get a little teary eyed as I realize I am not invincible.  Hell, my Mother is still trying to remind herself of that at almost 85 as she takes care of a whole house and my barely mobile 89 year old Father.  I hope I can still lug my husband in and out of the shower at 85.  Ok, well I hope he can still lug himself in and out, but if I have to, I hope I can (provided I have a husband then, I don't want to lug strange naked men around).  I guess age really is a state of mind.  Damnit...


  1. Hi Madge,
    Yours was the first blog on MS I read. The gal
    who listed your blog was a gal under 30, who loved what you wrote.
    I'm older than you and dislike: How old are you?? Why, I don't know or care.
    Yor wrote: "...decrepit old people or morbidly obese people..."
    I might fit in the "decrepit old people" but I still love the site of a beautiful woman.
    Hope I feel the same when I reach 100.
    The last thing we want as we age is to feel people see only a decrepit old I hope they see a person young at heart.
    June 21, 2011 7:28 PM

  2. Hi Madge,
    I'm on blogspot:
    but for some unknown Google
    reason I can not sign in when
    posting a comment.
    P.S. I've had my blog since 2005.

  3. You're gorgeous. And, to be frank, you're not alone in hiding grays. Did I mention: lady, you are funnier than hell! :) You are not old. It's just a weary road and a weary world to live in.

  4. Colo-rectal sends shivers down my spine and not the good kind.