How I Was Almost a Stripper...

If you've been a regular reader of this blog (I thank you), you know by now I've been through some struggles.  When I first got divorced 11 years ago, I had been a stay-at-home Mom for 5 years (however, did some p/t real estate marketing on the side), and had 3 children under the age of 7.  I was granted child support but it wasn't enough to completely cover living expenses.  "Just get a job!" was the answer by everyone.

Well sure, if I had held a job previously as a doctor, lawyer, engineer, executive, or high end call girl, I could have "just gotten a job" again and made enough money to live comfortably and cover day care.  However when one has put their career on the back burner to raise children, pretty much the only people that want to hire you are those that need a receptionist for $8-$9/hr, which doesn't even cover child care for 3 kids.  And I went to college for broadcasting, they pay about the same as the receptionist job.

So what's a girl to do?  Hey, I wanted to work and pull my weight, but I also wanted adequate care for my children and to be available should they be sick.  For a few years I had trouble making it work, then I thought I had it figured out being a realtor (working partly from home) for a while, but just as I really hit my stride, the real estate bust happened in Denver.  Then years later I moved back here to NY, kids were now in school so I could concentrate on cultivating a career, but the ex disappeared and so did my child support. I was flat broke.  I often heard the phrase, "you could always strip".

Some were joking... some were not.

There were times, very very desperate times, (and a few years ago and 20 lbs less) I thought about it.  For a fleeting moment, I crafted in my head, how I could go to another town nearby where I could perform on stage as "Chrystal Courvousier" (stripper name + booze = more tips) and wouldn't get recognized by anyone and my kids wouldn't find out.  Just make enough to get a little ahead, and BOOM!  Problem solved.  

We all fantasize about how to solve our money problems - winning the lottery, robbing a bank, selling drugs, waiting for old relatives to die (I didn't, but come on, you know someone has), and hooking.  Seriously, who hasn't entertained themselves internally by thinking "What if?".  But like most of us with a shred of conscience, we decide we cannot.  If you have kids, sometimes you think you would do just about anything to feed them.  I was almost homeless, been that desperate.  But it comes down to your... decision.  Me, I just could never look my kids in the eye again if I stripped.

I can't label it values, morals, or conscience.  I can't judge.  I certainly think there are decisions that aren't in yours or the kids best interest in the long run.  But sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures. The survival instinct sometimes brings out rash decisions.

Instead of hooking or stripping, here's what I did... I cleaned friend's toilets for gas money.  I swept and hosed down their porches for food money.  I helped friends who had businesses, doing menial tasks in order to buy toilet paper.  My friends on Myspace actually had a small fund raiser for me.  I can't tell you how much that helped.  I am eternally grateful.  I sucked it up and went down to the Department of Social Services and applied for food stamps, heat, and medical assistance.  Actually going to DSS to me was more humiliating than cleaning toilets, but I did what I had to do, all until I found a steady job.  Or in my case, 3 part-time jobs that equaled 50 hours a week.

I don't claim to be self-righteous.  Oh God, not by any means.  When my kids weren't around I downed a few gin and tonics and cried myself to sleep.  You just do what you have to do.  Just stay away from illegal stuff, and keep your adult "acting out" away from the kids.  But please keep in mind, there are lots of options before you turn to desperate measures.  There are plenty of private agencies to help, as well as the gov't. There's always someone who needs a toilet cleaned.  The aid is there, we've paid our taxes and contributed, that's what it's there for.  Don't be afraid to ask for help, it's the most courageous thing you can do for you and your children.

Upside: Homeless Shelters are a Great Way to Make New Friends!

In today's chapter of Madge's Adult Survival Guide, we shall discuss...shelter.

I would say about... oh 75% of us have had trying times with our living situation at one point.  No, not about needing a 3 car garage instead of a 2, or adding a home theater. (bastards)  I'm talking about things like...

- Divorce.  Someone's gotta' move... where do you go?
- Job loss or other various money issues.  Can't afford the house or rent anymore.  Where do you go?
-  Dangerous living conditions.  Abuse, bad neighborhood, crazy landlord, whatever.  You know the question...

Sometimes it may just be a case of geography, "This place ain't workin', I need to go".  That was my case living in Denver.  I had moved there in 2000 when I was married for his job, then we got divorced and he eventually moved back East.  I was there by myself, no family, some friends, but it just didn't really feel like home, and not to mention it was too damn expensive by myself!  So in 2006, back East I went...

Was that a step backward?  A step foreward?  Sideways?  What?  People often asked me why I moved to Rochester from Denver like I was some sort of intellectually challenged cretin.  After a while I thought, "Hey bite me, I happen to like New York State!"  Ya' got a problem with that?

I heard a friend mention taking a step backward in moving her kids and  that prompted me to write this.  Most all of us have had a time in our life where we need to regroup.  For those of you that haven't and are still living in the same big house for 20 years... I hate you.  Nah, you're incredibly lucky.  Good for you.  *grumble grumble*  For the rest of us, we've had to make tough decisions.

As I said, for the reasons above, some of us had to decide, (or had it thrust upon us) whether to move into an apartment or move home to our parents or friends or shelters or change locales.  It happened to me, I got evicted from a house I was renting a few years ago here in Rochester.  My ex-husband suddenly disappeared and stopped paying support, and my income was cut in half.  I coudn't afford the house, I met with landlords and told them the circumstances, asked to maybe find a new renter, etc.  No, they decided they wanted to evict me and get all the money out of it they could.  Really really unkind folks, especially since I was trying to negotiate from the hospital as I thought I was having a heart attack.  They would rather put a single mom and 3 kids out on the street, because you know nothing personal, it's just business.  (I highly suggest caution about doing business with folks under the company name Bamberger in the Monroe/Wayne/Ontario Counties around here.)  Anyway, decisions had to be made, and I believe in karma...

Various family members wanted me to move in with them.  I love love love them for the offer.  But that meant yet another move to another state.  With kids in jr and sr high, I just wasn't going to uproot them again.  I just knew in my heart it would not be good in the long run.  So I borrowed money for a security deposit (since the eviction cost me several thousand dollars that I didn't have)  and moved into a townhouse style apartment.  Living in an apartment complex blows after I've lived in some nice houses with yards.  But what am I gonna' do?  I did what I had to do.  Biggest casualty... my pride.  I used to love to entertain in my house, now I don't want people to know where I live.  We used to be the hangout house for kids, now I'm embarrased to have kids over.  Oh well.

So, that's the dilemma... is it a step down?  Yea, going from a house to an apartment is probably looked upon as a downgrade more than an upgrade.  It sucks.  I sure didn't feel like singing The Jeffersons theme "Well, we're movin' on up!"  I live around some less desirables than I'd like.  There are two bedrooms for four people, my son doesn't even have his own room.  The place is small, the kitchen is 5x5, and so is the one bathroom for Me and 3 kids.  I don't have a garage.  I can't paint or redecorate or plant things.  The kids don't like the trashy people that roam the parking lot or hearing the neighbors through the walls.  But... I can afford it.  And we stayed in the school district, and because of it my son will be going to one of the best colleges in the country next year.  I'd like to think I won't be their forever either.  I have plans, hopes, dreams.  That's all I can do.

You just have to do what you can do.  What's best for you and your children, spouse, parents, whatever the case may be.  The most important thing is to really think it through and put your pride aside.  Sometimes you may have to think of the short term, other times think it through to the long term.  Make a list of options, pros and cons.  And for the love of God, DO NOT move into someone your dating's place if you have kids, just because it's convenient!  Eh, maybe if it's for a week, while you're in transition from one place to another or something, but Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, don't make relationship decisions based on saving on your cable bill!  Seriously, please, just say no.  Think it through.  You may not have the best home, but you can take pride in knowing you are doing the best thing possible for you and your family (if that applies).

Is a Sugar Daddy a "Want' or a "Need"?

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I feel like a Chinese restaurant today, my post is kind of a combo platter.  I have one topic  from column A, one from column B.  Column A - Wants vs. Needs.  Column B - the Sugar Daddy arrangement.

Money is on my mind right now, a lot, So I share with you my brain bulimia, I've been binging on thoughts, now I'll purge.  As I've said before, due to my ex-husband that abandoned his duties as a Father of our three children, financially and physically, there have been times I've been destitute. Well, it's not only his fault, it's also mine that I don't have a degree in anything that would earn me any decent money.  I work in marketing and a lot of times hours get cut, clients don't pay, times are slow, that's life.  Everyone is quick to say, "just find another job"... well yea because those $60k a year jobs are just falling out of the sky.  *slaps forehead*  Silly me, I forgot about that extra engineering degree I have, let's just go get a job in that!  Not.  Oh wait perhaps I'll just pull that nursing degree out of my butt...

So, times are tough for me right now.  I need to find more project/job opportunities to make ends meet and feed 3 teenagers, which has prompted me to examine my budget.  This brings me to my first point, wants vs. needs.  Y'all need to get this one straight.  A "need" is something you must have to live, i.e. food, shelter, clothing.  A "want" is, well... anything else.  In lean times, pairing things down to "needs" only, enables you to get by.  Even when times aren't tough, trimming the fat and contributing more to savings helps prepare for future crises.  Anyway, you need to  be discerning about the needs, yes you need food, but surf and turf from Black and Blue is not wise when a can of Campbell's chicken vegetable soup serves your dietary needs just fine.  Not as pleasing to the palette of course, but it keeps you alive.

And you may be at wit's end and incredibly stressed out but a vacation is not a "need".  Sorry.  Neither is a new outfit, manicure, or cocktails.  Oh no, not my cocktails!  Uh, maybe we need to rethink that one.  I'm Irish, booze to us is like oil to a car!  Ok, ok just kidding.  No, alcohol and entertainment are not a "need", much as we'd like them to be, they can be benched 'til we get on track again.  *in fetal position sobbing*

Which brings me to Column B - the Sugar Daddy arrangement.  I was discussing my issues with friends and someone of course suggested I find a Sugar Daddy.  A Sugar Daddy is someone who lavishes money and gifts on a woman just for the pleasure of her um, company.  (actually I have known kept women that said sex was not part of it)  Now, me personally, I've never been able to take gifts, money, etc., from a man that I didn't intend to pay back or didn't have a deep, emotional ongoing relationship with and I gave back in love and support.  I just can't use men.  Sometimes I kick myself about that when I'm taking money out of my kid's piggy bank to  buy some milk.  But alas, it's either the Catholic guilt or honest upbringing that prevents me from taking some poor schmuck for a ride.

But sometimes I see these women that married for money, got divorced and are now financially secure to live on their terms... and I wonder if I'm stupid.  It got me thinking, and someone told me there are actual websites to find these arrangements.  Well, you know I just couldn't resist because people watching is like a drug to me.  I'm like that kid who's Mom says to stay out of her room near Christmas time, and I'm headed straight in there, going in for the treasure hunt!  I went to a certain website and for experimentation purposes only, signed up.  Seriously, I didn't sign up to get a free meal, I just want to eavesdrop!  As you all suspected, there aren't many "real" people on there, and those that are, are completely clueless of what a Sugar Daddy is and think they are on Match.  Seriously, a few guy's profiles said, "I'm looking for a really sweet girl to love".  Dude, really?  Is the word "sucker" tattooed on your forehead?  And some girl's profiles say, "I'm financially secure but I'm looking for a mature, sophisticated man to spend time with".  Bitch, please.  Either stop the denial, or go back to Match.

What have I figured out so far?  Nothing.  I'll have to keep you abreast on my experiment.  I'm determined to figure out if this Sugar Daddy (or Mama) thing is real and or lucrative.  In the meantime, I'll be eatin' my damn soup...  the side dish of integrity or stupidity is yet to be determined.

I Love Your New Prada Bag But Sorry to Hear You're Losing Your House.

Let me ask you a question...  What's the first thing you do if you have financial problems?  Is it?..

A.  Go out and buy a new outfit?

B.  Go through your finances and see where you can cut back?

C.  Open up another credit card because you need more cash flow?

D.  Get hammered to drown your sorrows?


Go ahead, be honest.  And I'll be honest with you, just out of college I would have chosen options A and D.  When I was married in my late 20s, early 30s I would have chosen option C (although I had a feeling it wasn't right but I bowed to spousal pressure).  And I have to admit, although A and C are still looking good, I've learned that option B is the best.  (damn you, common sense!)

I learned out of neccessity and maturity, of course.  I've had times in my life where new expenses come into play (braces, new roof) or you're selling real estate and things are slow, your income goes down, and I had no choice but to cut back.  And yes, I even had to cut back on nightlife, ugh.  But it's funny how people don't want to drink alone, you still go out with your friends and you say, "No, I'm not drinking, trying to save money", it almost becomes a personal mission then for them to get you drunk.  Cheers! 

I digress...

However, there were times when my income was cut in half, for instance after my ex suddenly stopped paying child support.  It then becomes a situation of, you have for example $2,000 in monthly expenses and your income is now $1,000... at that point dropping HBO and saving $20 a month isn't gonna' do squat.  Although, it's still a good idea to look at those things for the long run, the little things do add up, but at that point you need to make major changes like changing your living situation and getting gov't aid.  Yes, folks that's a situation it's designed for, not a way of life, but a safety net for when you need short term help.  But this is all needs to be another blog.  I'll get to that next time.

My point is... when the going gets rough, tighten up, don't go get your hair did and take a trip to Aruba.  I know it may be a natural reaction (fight or flight, right?) to want to run away and indulge yourself and ignore it. (hey, haven't I mentioned that self indulgent thing before? I see a pattern.)  I can't tell you how many times I've been somewhere and someone is telling me all of their financial problems, like they are going to have to refinance their mortgage because they are two months behind, but in the same breath are telling me about their upcoming trip to Hilton Head.  Uh, what's wrong with this picture?  They may think they deserve it because of all their troubles, but it's just adding new ones... and it's making them look like an idiot. 

There, I said it!  Yes, I said it, other people judge you.  Gasp!  Normally that wouldn't really matter, but if, you having to stop and think "What Would Other People Think?", will help you not do something stupid, like spending a fortune on something unneccessary, when you just blabbed about your financial troubles, then so be it.   Stop spending money you don't have!  It's really that simple.  Keep a record of income and expenses, keep accurate track.  Get rid of the credit cards, or keep them out of your wallet.  Sorry, it might screw up the economy a little more but it will keep a roof over your head and save your sanity.  You can do it!

Let the New Blog and Life Begin...

So, I'm on a mission.  I think I've figured this out.  The last couple of years I have been floundering with this blog.  Wondering how to still be funny but with less raunch, more purpose.  I have been trying to decide which direction to take, what focus I'd like to have.  In essence I've been wanting to re-brand myself.

My Myspace blog years ago, to which I had a rather large following, (over 800 followers) was focused mostly on my dating and parenting life post divorce.  That was pretty easy since I hadn't been in a relationship for years.  But really, how long can you write about that?  It gets old after a while. Besides, my kids are teens now, I don't want them reading my dating exploits, and I'm sure it would be a major creep factor for them. 

Think, think, think.  What else do I know about?  Well, it kind of hit me today... I know about survival.  For those of you who know me, know that I have had quite a struggle over the past eleven years, well ok 20 years.  For those of you who don't, here's a not entirely brief synopsis:

I thought I married a really nice, well educated, successful engineer and ex Div. I hockey player.  But in 2000, I got out of a marriage to an eventual verbally abusive, alcoholic man, who had an affair on me while I was pregnant with our third child.  Well back up a little, after a job transfer moved us from NY to Denver in 2000, where I didn't know a soul and had three children ages 6, 3, and 14 months. we divorced and he quickly moves in with the girl he had an affair with.  He buys them a home and starts spending all his money on them.  I'm stuck to find whatever rental I can afford.  I had to keep finding jobs where I could take care of my children 90% of the time because he always traveled with his job.  I had been a stay at home mom for 5 years, I could only get crap jobs, I was in radio and TV before that.  I kept having to quit before I got fired because I'd have childcare problems.   In 2004 he moved back East, leaving me in Denver to raise them alone, making monthly visits, which towards the end were cut short with kids calling me crying.

I was a realtor at the time and the bust hit Denver in 2006.  I could no longer afford to live there and I was losing my mind raising the children alone.  So I moved back to Rochester at the end of 2006 with the promise from my ex that there would be all kinds of help from him and his parents.  I started over, trying to find jobs, etc.  Things were looking up after about a year, I decided to go back to school while working a decent job, then my ex went off the deep end.  He sunk deep into his alcoholism and disappeared, skipped town, stopped paying support, stopped talking to the kids and me.  The children were devastated.  He did have his moments of being a good Dad, and they missed that.

That was over 2 years ago.  I had to quit a job because it was a half hour drive and couldn't be that far from my kids with no other help, and they weren't happy with me because I was a mess.  I was having a nervous breakdown. First I lost half my income with losing child support, then I was jobless, I was left with a pile of extra bills he was supposed to be paying (braces, sports, etc.) got evicted, had to apply for foodstamps, medicaid, free lunch at school, and clean friend's toilets to get gas money.  There was even a point where I had absolutely no income before I got approved for aid, that was a complete nightmare. But I did lose 20 lbs from not being able to afford food!  Hollah!  (Important Tip: always look for silver lining)

Blah, blah, blah, there were many years before that of having to rescue my kids from torturous behavior by their Dad that I won't even go into.  Eventually I collected myself, got a few part-time jobs, then after a couple years re-directed myself into resuming my marketing career, and worked my way up to finding a full-time contract job (no benefits).  My kids are thriving, they are all A students, and active in sports and music/theater.  My oldest is a senior and has applied to some of the best colleges in the country.  I got financial aid all by myself for my kids to go to 2 of the best schools in the area, because they had the grades and drive to go.  And amazingly we've talked our way through this and stuck together and have all remained well grounded.  Nobody has started acting out, not even me.  Ok, well I couldn't have gotten through this without cocktails now and then, but I'm an adult, I'm allowed.  And most importantly friends and family, couldn't have made it through without them either.  Oh and one other thing, I didn't seek out a man to save me.  Although, a few years and pounds ago, that stripper pole was looking like it could be a way to eat.

So, why the long story?  (what's sad is that I left a whole bunch of stuff out, oy)  To give you background on what I know.  How to survive.  My blog will be about how to survive adulthood.  I will touch on all the adult subjects: financial, emotional, parenting, dating/relationships, jobs.  I don't have all the answers, but I can share my experiences and tips for making it through some tough spots, all with a little laughter.  Because really humor makes it all bearable.  At the very least, let my life and this blog serve as an example of what mistakes not to make.  :)  Happy Holidays!