How to Lose a Guy in... Ten Minutes.

As I try to figure out a new direction to take my writing in, it occurred to me, why not write about all of the stuff I couldn't write about before?  Of course I'll need to tailor it to the new PG audience.   The stuff I'm talking about is all of my dating adventures over the past 10 years while I was divorced and dating, ya' know pre-relationship. I couldn't really tell all, since some of the people involved were reading me, and that would have been awkward.   However, the twist is, it won't all be making fun of all the psych ward escapees I encountered, it will be a lot of revelations of things that I did wrong.

Oh yes, Madge was wrong.  Hey, I admit it.  A lot of you that read my blogs on Myspace back in the day, will probably say "We coulda' told ya' you were wrong!".  Yea, yea ok, sometimes it takes some of us a while.  Sometimes people never learn.  I'd rather be wrong and have figured it out than still be convinced I'm right and still be alone and miserable.  Once I became generally unmiserable, my whole life, not just dating changed.  I got back on a career track, and the kids and I started to thrive.

Wait, let me clarify, I wasn't miserable because I was alone, I was just miserable, period.  Now, I could be alone and be happy.  Make sense?  Moving right along...

I used to think I knew it all.  I was convinced that brow beating a man into honesty and forcing his hand was somehow a sure-fire way to attract them to my womanly wiles and fall madly in love with me.

Bah hahahahahaha!!!!

I was so obsessed with honesty after my lie-filled marriage, I became "Date-zilla".  It was all about laying all the cards out at once, and if a man followed-up on our date I would go into interrogation mode about his intentions.  And if they weren't what I wanted, I pouted, and was passive-aggressive, and did the guilt thing.  Oh, I was convinced that I didn't do that... but I did.  At some point I think we should all be videotaped in our lives, because sometimes what we perceive we do, and what others see are two vastly different things.

Oy, I hate to admit it, but it's true.  Of course, it wasn't with everyone, a good number of guys I was trying to ditch because I just wasn't attracted.  I would say 90% of the men I met just weren't interesting to me.  I was very picky.  But there were ones that could have had a chance, had I not blown it.  However, I do think things happen for a reason.

Once I started to learn to be confident, act like I didn't care, and set up boundaries and walk away when the boundaries didn't suite me... things started to go my way.  That was the tough one, walking away after the boundaries were set.  Sometimes you want something so bad, you make a bad decision and say, ok screw it I'll go meet him just this once.  As they used to say on Family Feud, "X".  Wrong answer.  The fact is the guy I'm dating now, my boyfriend (oh that word still seems so silly at my age), didn't start really respecting me until I said no to the nonsensical situation he wanted to have with me. I thought I was being cool saying I was ok with a casual dating thing, but yet being passive-aggressive to him about wanting a relationship and then really being hurt when he went out with someone else. 

Truth be told, I wanted a relationship with him and it was ok to admit it and walk away if he didn't.  I was raised by a pack of angry feminists to believe relationships weren't important (yet the twist was, once you were in it, it was for life).  Yet I finally was shown that it's ok to want love, especially after 10+ years without it.  It's not ok to be addicted to it and be a Liz Taylor.  But I had to accept it was ok to want love, and stop fighting it internally.  That was a lot of what made me angry inside.  However once I accepted it, I needed to keep my standards and boundaries and hold out for the right relationship.  I had to learn patience.  That was like teaching Sid Vicious to "just say no" to heroin.

All right, this is getting long-winded, this could be a book, so I'll cut it short for now.  I'll turn it into a mini-series.  This will be "Roots" for our generation.  Wait, "Roots" was already in our generation.  So it will be the "Roots" of the dating lessons genre.  Nevermind, I'm  going to turn into Star Jones here with all the self-promotion.  Anyway, stay tuned, more dating revelations to come...

Do They Still Make Geritol?

I really hate it when people make aging jokes.  I just think it's stupid.  I groan standing up and somebody says "Easy Grandma!"... I want to say "How about I give you a Grandma
Foot right in the ass?".  Oh wait, keep this clean, right...  Well, that's what I feel like, ok, so sue me!

But there is a time when reality hits.  Or as my eye doctor calls it "natural progress".  I don't feel all old and stuff but I'm just having a hard time accepting that it is "about that time" for certain things.  I hit 46 and it's like the day after the warranty expires, everything goes.  Like getting fat.  My metabolism has just come to a screeching halt.  I've gained 20 lbs in the last year, gradually.  I don't eat any more than I did; I've just stopped processing stuff apparently.  I did have some tests done and my doctor found I was taking to much thyroid medicine so that may have an effect.  She reduced my dosage, so that will take care of it.  But either way, fat or thyroid, I've got old people problems!

I just got bifocals a few weeks ago.  Shut it!

I color my hair to cover the grey.  Meh, ok, who doesn't color their hair these days?

I had to go to the colorectal surgeon today because I've been having issues.  See?!  See?!  Ya' see what I mean?  Guess who all the people in the waiting room were?  That's right, old people!  I was the only person under 70 in there!  And talk about humiliating, oy!  Have you ever been to one of these doctors?  They make you bend over a table!  Everything is ok (minor issue) so far, subject to further probing next month, but damnit...  I'm not ready for this stuff yet!

By the way, who in God's name would choose that specialty?  It's bad enough you have to go spelunking in the waste factory all day, it's usually on decrepit old people or morbidly obese people.  I wonder if when the doctor's working on huge people that nurses have to stand on either side and hold the tent flaps up?  Too much?  Yea, sorry...

Anyway, it's just... in my brain I'm still, um I don't know, about 28.  Ok, a lot of times I feel like that carefree 14 year old I was or even that 6 year old with separation anxiety.  Sometimes I need to look in the mirror for a reality check.  Yea, I know it's "you're only as old as your feel" and all that hype, but no Virgnia, there isn't a Santa Claus and my knees do have an expiration date! 

Yes, yes I will keep up that youthful spirit, as I try to keep the invasive scopes to a minimum, but I am human.  I will get a little teary eyed as I realize I am not invincible.  Hell, my Mother is still trying to remind herself of that at almost 85 as she takes care of a whole house and my barely mobile 89 year old Father.  I hope I can still lug my husband in and out of the shower at 85.  Ok, well I hope he can still lug himself in and out, but if I have to, I hope I can (provided I have a husband then, I don't want to lug strange naked men around).  I guess age really is a state of mind.  Damnit...

Becoming a Functioning Human Being 101

So, I just had  a birthday.  Back in the olden days when TV only had 3 channels, they would have called me "middle aged".  No one uses that term anymore, it's become somewhat of a leper of age classification terminology.

I haven't written a blog in this particular space in a year and a half.  I've written maybe 2 or 3 blogs in that same time frame on another site that nobody gives a rat's tukus about anymore.  None of those blogs were anything interesting anyway, they basically relayed the message that I was still alive.  As I also inform you today, I am still, in fact, alive.

You may (or may not) ask what my birthday and the last blog I've written have in common?  A lot.  My physical life has been in "manager trainee" mode and my writing life has been "closed for remodelling".  The fact of the matter is, I've changed.  I'm not the same person I was 1.5 years ago.  I picked myself up by my bootstraps and became a productive member of society (not that I really wasn't before), and decided to embark on a career and not just a job.  Another factor is that I've gotten into a serious relationship with a man over a year ago.  So, you see I've gone from a cynical, man hating, down on her luck, small child rearing, job hopping broad, to a positve, man loving, working her way up, college bound teen rearing, career minded woman.  ...what the hell am I supposed to do with all that?

Therein lies the problem.  Who am I?  Written words flowed out of me like blood from a jugular when I was miserable.  Words also flow when I'm feeling raunchy and funny, but that's not condusive to being professional.  Oy.  So, how do I write for who I am now and what I want to be?  My rather lame answer to that at the moment is... stay tuned and find out.

Ok, ok, I'm sorry!  Rome wasn't built in a day, neither was Janice Dickinson's face, so we have a bit of a row to hoe (speaking of Janice).  I hope to keep this blog going regularly from here on out with loads of Madge witicisms and tons of my mistakes and triumphs so that my life may serve as an example of how to narrowly avoid ending up like Andy Dick.  Oh yes, stay tuned...

The Power of Positive Thinking or Sheer Luck... You Make the Call!

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the power of positive thinking lately. I have had scads of people constantly lecturing me about it for quite a while now. But it seems in the last few weeks I’ve been bombarded.

Is it a sign?

I know it’s hard for you all to believe, but I have been a life long member of the Skeptics Club, the Cynics of America, the Sarcasm Society, and the Snarky Retort Masters. I’m Irish; we are cursed with the negativity gene. Well hell, if your people had lived with centuries of political and religious oppression, you might be a little pessimistic yourself. Did you ever read “Angela’s Ashes” by Frank McCourt? Ok, case closed then. I’m not excusing it, I’m just saying it’s hard to change when it has become a way of life for myself and all I’ve ever known, as well as for generations of my family.

I mean, I know it can’t hurt, to be more positive. What’s the worst that can happen? I’ll be less inclined to be whiney and bitchy, and honestly people don’t really enjoy that. I know, big surprise. Also positive attracts positive. I think I will be more inclined to meet happy, positive, successful people, which in turn will make me more happy, positive, and successful. You are what you surround yourself with, right? Well, you are also supposed to be what you eat, which I guess would make me a giant bowl of broccoli, but that’s another topic for another time…

However, as I delve deeper into this positive thinking thing, I find there are more concepts that are involved. I have people tell me that it is absolutely necessary to visualize things and ask for what you want. It sounds like good things will only come to people who buy into this “enlightenment”. But is that really true? Haven’t you ever had a blessing come to you in a time of despair? When you were down in the dumps and didn’t think things would ever turn around, did you ever get what you needed? Were you ever confused and something fell in your lap? Maybe that dream job? That dream man or woman? A cure for an ailment?

Let’s talk about relationships for a minute. I am really curious, have all of you only ever gotten into a relationship when you were in a clear, positive thinking state of enlightenment and visualized what you wanted? How many of you met a great person while you were dating someone else? How many of you met someone when you were reeling over someone else? How many of you may have been on a miserable breakup with someone and you were crying constantly over and they finally came back? I personally know a guy who met a woman while going through a really crappy divorce, and 15 years later they are still together and had 5 kids together. You tell me…

I just have trouble thinking that good things only come to you when your positive thought planets are aligned. I do feel things happen when they are supposed to or perhaps just out of sheer happenstance. But I don’t know if I buy into this, it only happens when you visualize and think positively. I do know a woman that has seemed to have willed things to go her way, but then… how much of that is hindsight or revisionist history? I don’t mean to be a skeptic, like I said I do think positive thought is good, I’m just not sure that certain things ONLY happen when and if you achieve and internal nirvana. And that has nothing to do with Kurt Cobain; if it did that would be a disaster.

So, I’d really like to hear your feedback. Have you ever achieved something great without being in a great place first? I’m eager to hear your thoughts…

Cocktail waitresses can't buy happiness...

I'm not  going to bash the man.  You know the man.  The most talked about man right now...

Mr. Woods.

But I just have some thoughts...

Here is a man that has it all:  best in the world at his sport, one of the highest paid spokesman for endorsements, unGodly amounts of money, a GORGEOUS wife, 2 wonderful kids, a dog, legions of faithful family and friends...

And he still has to pound countless cocktail and family restaurant waitresses.  (BTW, I'm beginning to think that waitressing could be a very lucrative gig in more ways than one)

This proves the concept that I have always believed... happiness comes from the inside.  All those other achievements and blessings don't mean squat if you're not happy on the inside.  Obviously this guy has to keep searching for something outside himself that he thinks will make him happy or at least provide some cheap thrills.

But also, who are we to say what this guy goes through?  He's been a highly competitive athlete since he was a child, in a sport that has an enormous amount of pressure to be a proper gentleman.  I grew up around country clubs, there is a whole lot of pretense.  Anyway, he's had this squeaky clean image to uphold through many years that he should have been out riding his bike as a kid or out doing beer bongs as a young adult. (however I'm beginning to think the beer bongs were going on anyway now)   Maybe he was tired of it?  Maybe, but that's still of course no reason to do that to your wife. 

It still just makes me think that no matter how much "stuff" you have, you have to make yourself happy.  You need to be at peace with who you are.  I know money won't make me happy, but I already am happy, I'm at peace with who I am, but money would help feed my kids and that would just put my mind at ease.  I don't need to bang any cocktail waitresses... well, that would be odd anyway.  And I think being happy inside has helped me get through all the tough times I've been through, otherwise I'd be dead, on the pole, or perhaps a mistress to the likes of Mr. Woods.

I'm happy with myself, are you?

You say "Reality Star" like it's a good thing...

Is fame becoming a disease in this country?


Some people are addicted to becoming famous.

I've been on Myspace for 5 years and I've seen people that have made it their main focus in life to become popular or famous or even infamous. The process is sad to watch. However, some people feed into it whole hog. Some people are just as addicted to fueling the fire of the person aspiring to fame.

What price fame?

It's sad, it's sickening, it's embarrassing, it' pathetic.

People will go on reality shows, any reality show now to try and launch a TV career. Some pathetic people will even go on a judge show to sue somebody over a meesley amount of money and not even knowing they are completely embarrassing themselves because the person is denying they ever even dated them... just to feed their ego.

I have seen dating shows on say Vh1 or MTV where one contestant will rat out that another contestant has been on many other shows such as Judge Karen, Blind Date, Hell Date, Grocery Store Challenge... whatever. Shows that I didn't even know they were auditioning people to get on. And I think some of these people think it's their entre' into acting work or just being famous. Hell, I think some of these people don't even want to get into an actual career such as acting or singing, they just want to BE famous. I guess that's what "reality stars" are, they are just famous for being. They don't have any talent. Most of them were just on a show, being some sort of "personality", be it the bitch, the hot girl, the annoying one, the funny one, the clueless one. It doesn't take any particular talent, just an ability to attract attention - good, bad, or ugly.

There are millions of YouTube videos posted by people hoping they will be the next internet sensation, the next piano playing cat. Why?

Is that what we want? Is that what are egos want? I don't want that. I was on the radio last week on my friend's radio show. Some people picked apart everything I said, others laughed at what I said. I couldn't take the constant scrutiny just for some extra people to like me. Although I may seek attention at times, my ego doesn't need feeding that bad. Please shoot me if I ever sacrifice my dignity to get some extra attention.

That is all...